


Same thing I always want; to be entertained.

by Kweni



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Drama, Dream Thieves, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pynch in later chapters, Rape/Non-con Elements, Romance, Trauma, blue lily blue, if you like squint your eyes, there'll be humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2018-11-21 23:23:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 30,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11367777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kweni/pseuds/Kweni
Summary: Wherein neither Ronan nor Adam are ready to talk about what's (not) right in front of them. Because Ronan has secrets and Adam has to learn how to control a magical forest while also living alone, juggling three jobs and being top of his class.Except Kavinsiky has set his eyes on Ronan, and he'd do everything to get Ronan on his side, even if that meant hurting everyone Ronan loves.





	1. Chapter 1

 

“There’s only with me or against me.”

 

* * *

 

 

Kavinsiky had been pretty sure of himself when he thought Ronan and Gansey were a thing. The many jokes he'd made about them being proof of that. While Ronan hadn’t admitted it, Kavinsiky was still a 100% sure of himself that Ronan swung for the same team. It was one of the reasons why he enjoyed Ronan’s company.

Ronan had rejected his offer. Had made it pretty obvious that the chances of them pairing up was none existent. So obviously, Joseph Kavinsiky wouldn’t leave it like that. There was no way in hell he was going to let Ronan _fucking_ Lynch get away with rejecting him.

So, he came up with a plan. Getting Ronan’s consent was no longer a top priority. Leaving Ronan with no other choice _but_ to stay by Kavinsiky’s side was. He’d been paying attention to Ronan for months, even before he started talking to him. He knew the few people Ronan cared about. Dick, trailer-park-kid, Mathew and a girl Kavinsiky wasn’t sure if she was called Blue or Jane, he knew Ronan prefered Maggot.

He’d often made jokes about Ronan and Dick being a thing. Because he was pretty convinced they were in fact, a thing. How else could you interpreted their relationship? The two were always together, rumor had it Gansey was the only thing keeping Ronan in school. Their relationship hadn’t changed when Charity-case joined them, if anything, Ronan accepting his presence was proof enough how much he cared about Gansey.

And then of course, it hit Kavinsiky. Dick was not the one Ronan had set his eyes on. It had been sheer luck that made Kavinsiky realize this. One lingering look that had lasted long enough for him to catch Ronan smiling at trailer-park-kid, a smile Ronan had never worn before. One that wasn’t meant for anyone to see, except for Adam Parrish, if Adam was having a lucky day.

Ronan’s secret was Adam Parrish. And Kavinsiky couldn’t be more delighted. Having found something, he could use against Ronan Lynch, something important enough it would make Ronan Lynch, without a doubt, accept Kavinsiky’s offer to stay by his side. It was then, that Kavinsiky made a plan to get Ronan’s attention.

 

* * *

 

He put his plan in action on a warm Sunday afternoon. It wasn’t very hard for Kavinsiky to figure out when was the best time to get Adam’s attention.  
The boy was a walking charity-case. He came from a poor family, he used to live in a trailer park for crying out loud. The only reason he got into Aglionby was because of a scholarship he worked his ass off for. He had three jobs to get by. Currently, he lived in a small apartment above St. Agnes, no one knew for certain but the one theory almost everyone clung to was because of domestic abuse. You’d think Ronan and Gansey would have helped their friend out by now, buying him a new set of clothes for one. Yet Adam Parrish was always seen wearing worn-out clothes and hand me downs.

Kavinsiky had to appreciate Adam’s pride. It was a shame really, that he hadn’t paid that much attention to him before this. As a matter of fact, there was so little he knew of Adam Parrish because of this. With the fourth of July getting closer he felt like time was running out. He’d have to do it with the information he had and hope his plan would work out nonetheless.

If only he’d paid just a bit more attention to Adam Parrish’s personality, he’d have realized things might get a bit more complicated than expected.

He attacked when Adam was on his way home from work. The hot and unforgiving Henrietta sun burning down on him as he rode his bike back home. He was slower than usual Kavinsiky noted dryly. The road they were on was long, with not a single car in sight. The few buildings at the side were closed or owned by people who didn’t care about what happened outside. Kavinsiky had been driving his car slow enough for Adam not to notice his presence but also that he could keep an eye out on any possible traffic. When it looked like the coast was clear, he switched gear and sped up. When he had reached Adam’s side, he turned his wheel abruptly to the right. His window was open so he could hear Adam’s surprised curse as the car’s right side hit him and threw him off his bike. He fell into the dirt next to the road. A cloud of sand rose around him. Kavinsiky cast a quick look in his rear mirror, still no one in sight. He got out, left his door open and walked around the car.

“Apologies Parrish, didn’t see you there.” He said with a huge grin as he adjusted the sunglasses on his face.

Adam was coughing, he slowly pushed his bike off him. Kavinsiky saw he was bleeding from several spots, none of the wounds seemed severe enough to trouble his plan.

“What-” Adam coughed, “The fuck asshole?” he finally looked up, surprise and confusion spread over his face, but only for a moment before he simply narrowed his eyes, something akin to acceptance crossed his face.

“Ah, of course,” he said and decided he was not worth it, he tried to get up.

“Here, let me help you-” Kavinsiky offered, he reached his hand out to Parrish, which Adam pushed away.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” Adam spat, he got up on his own. Almost doubled over because of pain that appeared to be coming from his right leg. He had landed on his right side when he fell, so that was normal, Kavinsiky thought. He looked down at the bike, broken and no longer useful. He smirked.

“Really Parrish, it was a mistake. Let me give you a ride to the hospital.” He said,

Adam ignored him at first, he wiped some dust of his dirt covered outfit, he cursed some more, “I’m sure you’re dying of guilt,” he finally said. He sighed, he sounded tired while he looked down at his bike. Knowing full well it was useless, he couldn’t even fix it. The thing was done for.

“C’mon, get in. Unless you wanna walk all the way home?” Kavinsiky tried to sound sincere, he put both hands in the pockets of his pants and waited for Adam’s response.

Which was, not what he expected. Adam flipped him off and said he’d rather walk all the way home then get in the car with Kavinsiky. Which should have been an answer to expect… if the damage wasn’t bad enough.

Kavinsiky cut the act, “Look Parrish,” he said, his voice sounded a lot different than first, it made Adam look up again. Adam didn’t look afraid ( _yet_ ), if anything, he looked alert. It was then that Kavinsiky realized, Adam would be ready to fight if the situation called of it.

“I’m not asking. Get in the fucking car.”

To which Adam straightened his back, “What if I don’t?” he asked, eyes narrowed.

“Do you really want to find out?” Kavinsiky grinned,

Adam’s left eye twitched. He was annoyed, still he didn’t seem convinced. “Why?”

Kavinsiky was about ready to strangle him, the plan was to only send out a message to Ronan. Every second Adam was wasting, a new plan formed in Kavinsiky’s head. If Adam kept this up, Ronan’s message would be a hell of a lot bigger.

“I just wanna talk, alright?” he said,

“About?”

“About what do you think asshole?”

Adam gulped, he still didn’t look convinced. He looked at the road in front of them, then behind him. Kavinsiky realized he was looking for a car, he was hoping someone would drive past them. Did he hope they would stop and ask what was going on? Would he try to make them stop and ask for help?

He couldn’t find out.

“Alright, fine.” Kavinsiky got his phone from out of his left pocket, “Don’t get in,” he held up the phone, “I’ll just wait here with you until your ride picks you up,” he grinned. “Do you wanna call someone?”

This idea seemed to convince Adam, his shoulders slumped just a bit and he nodded. Still wary. He took a small step closer to Kavinsiky and held out his left hand. It was bloodied and covered in sand, the skin on his knuckles was scraped off, it looked painful.

Kavinsiky smiled when he looked up again, he took a step forward, holding the phone out to him. Adam’s fingers brushed against Kavinsiky’s.

That was when Kavinsiky attacked. Kavinsiky pulled his hand back in one swift movement, he didn’t give Adam enough time to respond. Simply used the bottom part of his phone and slammed it hard against Adam’s temple. The screen cracked beneath the force of the punch and Adam tumbled down again. Blood was dripping down the wound and he groaned as he hit the ground. Kavinsiky checked if his phone was still alive, aside from the broken screen it seemed to work fine. The battery at the top right corner told him it still had 72% of battery left.  

“Look at you, all clumsy, falling down again.” Kavinsiky said and just to be sure, he kicked Adam in the abdominal. He was pretty sure that this time Adam wouldn’t be getting up so easily, still he still kicked him again, three more times just to be sure. Kavinsiky would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy the way the boy below him desperately tried to protect himself. The way he silently gasped in pain whenever he got kicked again.

“Oh, c’mon Parrish, surely you must be used to this. This should be nothing compared to what your old man did to you, right?” he laughed. Then stopped.

Adam had curled himself in a ball. His stomach protected from any more possible hits. His eyes were shut tightly. He was even more covered in dirt; his pants were ripped around the knees. His shirt was in no better condition.

“Alright, time to move. Someone might actually show up after all,” Kavinsiky said and leaned down, he grabbed Adam under his arms and roughly pulled him up. He might have hit the boy a bit too hard, he realized. Adam could barely stand and the only thing he said, (“Fuck off-“) sounded so muffled, it was obvious Adam was having trouble with simply staying conscious.

“It’s not personal,” Kavinsiky said while he pushed Adam in the passenger’s seat of his car, making sure his seatbelt was on. “I’m only using you to get Lynch’s attention,” he shut the door and walked around the car to get into the driver’s seat. He closed the door and put on his own seatbelt as he continued. “Let’s make this clear alright,” he said, finally a car drove past them. The driver paid no attention to them, it didn’t even slow down.

He smirked. “I don’t care about you, like _at all,_ ” when he looked at Adam, Kavinsky saw that he was close to passing out. He grabbed Adam by his chin and with his other hand slapped him hard enough for Adam’s eyes to flutter open. He looked about ready to throw up, “Hey, hey no passing out while I’m talking.”

To which Adam groaned in response and doubled over, his face covered by both hands. “If you throw up in my car you’ll be dead the by the time I’m done with you,” Kavinsiky said.

Whatever clever response Parrish had for him became unrecognizable by the sound of Kavinsiky starting the engine of his car. “As I was saying,” he said and started driving again.

He noted that Adam had turned his head towards him, his face scrunched up in a grimace that told anyone who was watching just how much in pain he was, “You’re not important, I don’t even get what Dick and Lynch see in someone like you, I mean let’s face it. It’s not like you belong at Aglionby or anything. I think the only reason why our school even accepted someone like you is because of image.”

Adam sighed and turned his head again so that it was hiding in his lap. Completely doubled over, he stayed still like that for a while.

Kavinsiky tried to piss him off even more, but got no response. In the end, he simply used his elbow, he slammed it hard enough into Parrish’s back for him to sit up so fast he slammed his head hard against the backseat, he groaned in pain.

“I’m talking to you Parrish! Are you deaf or something?” he shouted then, the car had swayed but he had it under control again. He was going over the speed limit and had to pay close attention to the road.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Adam’s hand shoot up to his left ear.

“Shit, you are?” Kavinsiky asked, “I didn’t hit you that hard, did I?’ he grinned.

He finally got a full and audible response, “Don’t flatter yourself,” Adam said between gritted teeth. Beneath all the dirt, he looked pale. A thin sheet of sweat covered his skin, but he was conscious.

“Alright,” Kavinsiky said and got his phone from his pockets again, he went through his contacts until he landed on Ronan’s name. “Call Lynch for me, will ya. Tell him I’ve got his loverboy and that he’s gonna have to find us if he wants to see you ever again.” When Adam didn’t take the phone, simply glared at him, his smile only grew. “Gotta keep it dramatic, don’t you think?”

“You’re fucked up,” Adam said.

To which Kavinsiky shrugged, instead he called Ronan himself. “Just so you know; Lynch is your only hope of getting out of this, so I sure hope for your sake that he’s gonna pick up.”

It was the first time, Kavinsiky saw some fight leave Adam’s gaze. He shut his eyes for a second, appearing to be praying to himself that Ronan would pick up.

Kavinsiky called.

Ronan didn’t pick up.

He called ten times, a frown appeared on his face. But if any of them looked more troubled, it was Adam.

“Bugger,” Kavinsiky said. Then slowed the car down enough so he could both focus on the road and send a quick text message.

“Got something of you, love K.” It said.

Ronan responded after half an hour more driving. When they had just left Henrietta, and were heading into the woods. Adam had sucked in a deep breath when he’d noticed.  

“What the fuck do you want K?” Ronan snapped the moment Kavinsiky picked up, he sounded more than just annoyed. Kavinsiky laughed, “I found something, along the road.” He said, “Figured it was yours and you might want it back.”

“I don’t have time for your stupid games, I’m gonna hang up if you don’t tell me what it is,”

“Oh no, no… I’m pretty sure you don’t wanna hang up on this one.”

“K I swear to god-“

Kavinsiky threw the phone on Adam’s lap. Adam hesitated only for a second before he picked up the device and held it to his right ear. “Ronan, i-it’s me,” it was the first time his voice broke. Adam looked utterly tired and defeated, Kavinsiky couldn’t hear what Ronan was saying. He did notice though that Ronan’s voice had gotten a lot louder.

“Y-yeah, I’m great.” Adam joked, exhausted. “I don’t know, no…” he glanced at Kavinsiky, “I don’t know,” finally turned his head and asked, “Outside of Henrietta, South- that’s all I know-,” he bit his lip, “Where are you taking me?”

“Nu-uh, I’m only telling him when I’m done with you.”

Adam’s eyes widened just a bit, before he turned his gaze outside on the road. Eyes searching for something, “He says- ah… yeah, I don’t know. Ronan-“ his voice broke, he shut his eyes again. “Ronan please-“

And that’s when Kavinsiky held out his hand to Adam. Parrish shook his head, “Kavinsiky I-“

“C’mon dude, you’ve got your time. Give it back, don’t make me get angry.”

Adam’s hand was trembling as he gave the phone back. Kavinsiky grinned in return. He took the phone back,

“Adam- Adam, are you there?”

“Sadly no,” Kavinsiky sighed, “Sorry,”

“Kavinsky you fucking asshole, just bring him back, he has nothing to do with this.”

“Oh, but you’re wrong brother, he has everything to do with this,” Kavinsiky grinned while he glanced at Adam, He furrowed his brow once he realized just how present Adam was. He seemed more alert, gaze focused on the road. When they passed a sign, he was sure that Adam had read it. _Ah_.

“He’s one of the reasons why you won’t join me, after all.”

“Aside from you being fucking mental?” Ronan shouted,

Kavinsiky laughed, he slapped Adam’s left leg to get his attention and said, “You’re in love with him, aren’t you, Ronan?” the surprise written on Adam’s face was priceless, of course it didn’t even come close to the stunned silence on Ronan’s part. “That’s why I picked him, Lynch.” He was laughing, “At first I wanted to go with Dick, ‘cuz you know. I figured he was the one fucking you, turns out no one is fucking you,” he laughed, “Cuz you’ve been pining over charity-case over here.”

Adam’s mouth turned into a thin line, his gaze became hard.

“Oh, gotta go. I’ll call you when I’m done with him, make sure your phone is plugged in eh?” he hung up before Ronan could answer. Then threw the phone back on Adam’s lap. “You can call him once I’m done, now keep your hands on the dashboard where I can see them. Believe me, you’ve already made it worse. You don’t wanna make it even _more_ worse.”

Adam slowly held up both his hands and reached out to the dashboard, keeping his hands wide open as he did so. Kavinsiky watched it all out of the corner of his eyes. He was too slow though when Adam’s hand suddenly changed direction, his movement lightening quick as he went for the steering wheel, he pulled it down hard. It was enough to make Kavinsiky lose control over the car, it swirled to the right. He hit the brakes but was too slow. His car rammed into a tree. Kavinsiky’s head hit hard against his wheel and that’s when his airbag came out. The last thing he heard before passing out was the sound of a car door opening.

 

* * *

 

Adam barely had time to register what happened before he fumbled with his seatbelt, his head hurt from the impact. He still had the phone in his hand as he got out of the car. He almost fell out of the car but managed to keep himself up as he headed down the road where they came from. He cast a quick look over his shoulder as he fumbled with Kavinsiky’s phone. The phone felt slippery in his hands, his fingers left a bloody trail where they touched the device. The phone was locked. It had a lot of missed phone calls. He walked as fast as possible with his injured body while he cast quick looks over his shoulders. Kavinsiky still hadn’t gotten out of the car, the more time passed, the more Adam hoped the crash had knocked him unconscious. He tried to unlock the phone didn’t even know where to start. He felt like crying. That’s when the phone went off again.

Adam picked up,

“Kavinsiky you-“

“It’s me,” Adam said,

“Adam- thank god, are you okay? Please tell me you’re okay? Where is he taking you? Has he said anything?”

“I got out,” Adam said, he cast another look over his shoulder, they had been driving uphill, the road took a sudden turn to the left. He could no longer see the car, which didn’t help much for his sanity. “I-I stopped the car, Ronan- I think he passed out,” he was gasping for air, panic was slowly taking over his body and he felt himself stagger. “God Ronan- what if he’s-?”

“Don’t bother about him, where are you?”

Adam told him where he was, he wanted to get off the road. But was scared of getting lost. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw dark spots, he could have sworn he saw a woman somewhere in the distance but wasn’t sure if his brain was just messing with him or if it was Cabeswater.

“I can be there in half an hour,” Ronan said, “Adam,” Ronan sounded so desperate, “Stay on the phone with me,”

He managed to breath out a laugh, “As if I’d wanna hang up right now, you asshole.” He couldn’t even keep his accent under control. He was tired, his body hurt, the only thing that kept him going was the adrenaline rushing through his veins. He heard Ronan’s car on the phone. He had never heard Ronan talk so much until then. He talked about everything that came to mind, mostly he was just cursing at Kavinsiky other times he was asking Adam questions, making sure he was still there.

Adam mostly made sounds in acknowledgment. Only when Ronan told him to say something, did he say, “I’m tired,”

“No shit,” Ronan laughed, he sounded hysterical. “I think it would be for the best if you slept in tomorrow,”

“We’ll see,” Adam joked, god this was so messed up. Was this really how they were handling this situation? With jokes?

“Don’t even argue about this, Parrish. I’ll lock you up if I have to.” Ronan said.

Adam hummed in response. He had slowed down without noticing it, too much out of breath. He wanted to get off the road and hide somewhere, hoping he’d notice Roman driving by on time.

Someone had caught up to him, he noticed when it was already too late. Kavinsiky’s car stopped next to him. The window from the passenger’s seat went down. There was the sound of a gun’s safety being removed and then- “Get in the fucking car, Parrish.”

Adam stopped, he looked down and saw the gun aimed at him.

“Adam-”Ronan’s voice was almost unrecognizable. Had he heard Kavinsiky? “Adam w-what’s going on?”

“I-I… I don’t-” Adam stammered, eyes glued to the weapon in Kavinsiky’s hand. “I didn’t knock him out,” his voice was barely louder than a whisper.

“Adam don’t get in the fucking car. Give me fifteen minutes. I’m so close- fuck Adam, just run. Hide. I’ll find you- don’t get in the fucking car.” Ronan never begged, and yet…

“Ronan,” Adam said, surprised Kavinsiky even allowed for this conversation to go on. Adam could barely move, his throat hurt, like there was something stuck in it. He talked without even realizing what he was saying. He was scared, he realized. For a long while, he hadn’t felt this scared. Adam was stuck. He could almost see the walls of his childhood home surrounding him. He could almost smell the alcohol on his father’s breath, “Ron-Ronan, he’s got a gun.”

Kavinsiky smiled, he had a bloody nose but aside from that he looked fine. The sunglasses had disappeared, his eyes were wild. Adam shut his eyes.

“Adam- fuck,” Ronan was speechless.

“Get in the car, Parrish.” When Adam hesitated, he shot. It was a warning shot. The bullet missed him by a few inches. But the message was obvious. Adam dropped the phone and almost fell to his knees. _Why him?_ He scrambled for the phone. Ronan was still there when he held it to his ear. Out of sight from Kavinsiky but he wasn’t safe.

“Lynch, you better fucking find me before he kills me or I’m gonna be haunting you for the rest of your life.” He said, he stood up and got in the car. He ignored Kavinsiky laughing while he handed the phone back.

“Disgusting Parrish, you’ve got blood all over it.” He held the phone to his ear and said goodbye to Ronan. Then hung up. He turned the car around again and went back up.

“Don’t even think about pulling that shit again, Parrish.” The gun had disappeared, “Just know that whatever is gonna happen to you from now on, is completely on you.”

Adam caught himself thinking that it wasn’t his fault some psychopath decided to run him over with his car and then kidnap him. Another part of him cursed at himself for ruining this. He should have kept quiet, he should have just gone along with it and let it be over. This was how he had always survived. He felt nauseous. He heard voices whispering in his left ear. Could smell alcohol, he had made his father angry. What had he done? Could he solve it? Could he make it less worse?

“I’m sorry,” he said. ( _To whom?_ )

Kavinsiky took a sudden left turn, Adam’s head snapped up just in time to see the road split in two. You could go further up or back downhill. Kavinsiky had chosen up. This road was old and covered in dirt, but when Adam turned in his seat he saw they left no trail. He then turned his gaze back to Kavinsiky, to the car that didn’t look as damaged as it should be.

“The car…” he said,

Kavinsiky smirked, “Took you long enough to notice, bet you didn’t even notice I left the other one on the road.”

“You are…”

Kavinsiky tutted, “Enough talk, you’ve already given me a headache. Don’t make it worse.”

Adam gulped. He kept an eye on the road. Time went by too fast and too slow at the same time. Cabeswater seemed more present than ever, only he didn’t understand what it was saying.

Kavinsiky stopped the car on a wide-open spot with view over Henrietta. He whistled, “Beautiful, isn’t it? Romantic I’d even say, picked it out just for you.” he was holding the gun again, Adam hadn’t seen where it came from. He gazed at it, then at Kavinsiky and then back at the gun. “Get out,” part of Adam wished Kavinsiky was just planning on leaving him here. It was getting late, the sun hung low in the sky. It would soon get dark.

He got out of the car.

Kavinsiky followed. He kept his gun pointed at Adam while he walked towards the hood of his car, there he stopped to lean against it. A loose gesture told Adam he had to come to him. He did, slowly while holding up both hands. He wanted to run. He also didn’t want to die. Would dying be better than this? He wondered.

“Ronan is close, it’ll only be a matter of time before he finds us.” Adam said, he stopped with enough distance between them.

“Parrish, you seem like a clever kid. I mean, you’ve got a scholarship after all. Figure it out, would Ronan pick the road with no trail that should obviously have a trail judging from all the dirt on it, or continue going down the new road that actually has a destination?”

“What…. Destination?”

“There’s an old motel if I remember correctly,” Kavinsiky shrugged, he pointed towards his car, “Lean back, relax. Let’s talk for a bit, yeah?”

Adam placed a hand on the hood of the car, then pulled back once he realized how hot it was. He winced, Kavinsiky laughed. Adam rested his hip against the warm metal. He didn’t relax.

“You look awful by the way,” Kavinsiky said.

He was probably right, Adam hadn’t looked at himself yet but knew he must look like a mess. He could smell himself. He kept quiet.

“You see the plan was to just send a message to Ronan, y’know?” Kavinsiky said then, taking a step closer. He was now close enough for Adam to smell his breath, the scent of alcohol made him want to throw up. Kavinsiky was taller than him, was probably taller than Ronan. It wasn’t his height that made him so intimidating, it was the crazy look in his eyes that would make any sane person keep distance. “I wanted to mess up the boy he had a crush on, wanted to make your life miserable at school… you know? Make a trade, keep the poor kid safe in return he joins me?” Kavinsiky used the tip of the gun to brush a few strands of hair out of Adam’s face.

Adam flinched. Kavinsiky tutted. “Plan was to dump you here and make him pick you up, just something to scare him. But you just had to make it difficult,” he said in a fake upset tone.

Adam couldn’t stop the anger boiling inside of him, “Let’s just cut the crap and tell me what you want, Kavinsiky.’” He spat. He was tired, he was scared, he was done. He wasn’t some damsel in distress that needed to be saved. Adam could take care of himself, even if that meant finding his way back home in the dark.

Obviously, Kavinsiky didn’t like to be interrupted. When he used the back of the gun to hit Adam on his head he saw it coming but still moved too slow to stop it, he hit the hood of the car hard. The world was spinning again.

Kavinsiky was on him.

“Say Parrish, you and that chick you guys hang out with sometimes, she your girlfriend? Are you straight?” there were hands on him.

Hands- they were still rough, but their intentions seemed different than before. _Oh- No. No_ , no. This wasn’t happening.

“Wh-what?” he managed to ask. He was going to throw up. His head hurt and he could barely focus. The trees seemed bigger than before. The voices in his deaf ear grew louder.

Kavinsiky shouted in his right ear, “Are you straight?”

Adam flinched away, so violently he would have fallen again if it weren’t for Kavinsiky’s hands on him. One of them had slipped under his shirt.

He rolled his head back, trying to focus but his brain refused to do so. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. Stop, stop- he had to stop him.

“Did you know about Ronan’s crush?” Kavinisky continued.

Crush? Crush? What crush? What does that mean- Ronan, who- Ronan! Kavinsiky had said Ronan had feelings for Adam. Did he know? _Do I know?_ He didn’t know if he knew. Kavinsiky hit him again, “Too slow,” he told him. He removed Adam’s shirt, the car was burning against his back. Adam tried to get off but that only made Kavinsiky push harder.

“Stop,” he sounded breathless when he said it. He sounded scared, desperate. He said it again.

“Stop.” Kavinsiky mimicked in a mocking voice. His hand was slowly caressing Adam’s exposed stomach, his other hand barely had any trouble with pushing Adam’s weak protests away. He was laughing the entire time. It had been a while since Adam last felt so weak and pathetic. It had been months- he thought it would never happen again. He had survived his father- why. Why him? Why always him? What had he done to deserve this?

“Get off- Stop!” he tried to push Kavinsiky off him. But he was tired, he ws dizzy, frightened, his protests were like a joke. 

“Say Parrish,” Kavinsiky hummed, his hand stopped right above Adam’s waistband. “Would you ever date Lynch?”

Date Lynch. Date Ronan- “What?”

He got smacked in the face again, his mind went blank. All he could focus on was the pain in his body. Tears were burning in his eyes. He bit his lip.

Kavinsiky was laughing, mocking him for his tears and Adam could barely let the words sink in. It was too much, he was going to pass out.

“Would you still want Ronan near you after this?” Kavinsiky’s breath felt warm on his skin. “Knowing he wants to do what I’m doing to you right now?”

Adam felt himself being pulled in. Was this his brain’s way of coping? He was in a forest, the trees around him felt safe. Nature around him told him it would all be over soon. They would keep him here until it was over. What? What would be over?

He got pulled back, Kavinsiky had pulled down his pants. “You’ve gotten awfully quiet, don’t tell me you actually like this Parrish?” he laughed and started mouthing at Adam’s throat. He sucked on the skin he found there. Adam felt more alert, felt some strength return but when he tried to push Kavinsiky off him he felt a pair of hands wrap around his throat.

“God you’re so annoying,” Kavinsiky said while Adam struggled to breathe. He tried to push the taller teen off him, his vision was slowly growing black, he couldn’t breathe- help. Ronan- _Can’t breathe. Stop, help- help-_

Kavinsiky let go and Adam gasped for air. He started coughing, air, air, he kept gasping and coughing. Then he turned his body just on time to throw up next to the car. He wretched, felt his body double over, he had to fully lean on the car in order not to fall.

“Gross,” Kavinsiky said then pushed him on his stomach.

Adam was still gasping for air. He shut his eyes, wishing desperately for the trees to surround him again. They were right there, pulling him back. It was all they could do they told him. They were too weak to help him. _The ley-line_ they whispered. _Cabesewater._ The trees talked to him, in Latin, in English, in an old language Adam did not recognize. They kept him there until it was over.

When he finally came back he could barely move, realization hit him. Of what had just happened, of what the trees had protected him from. He could feel it. He felt dirty, humiliated. He let his forehead rest against the car, there were tears in his eyes. They fell on the hood. Kavinsiky was talking to him. No, not him.

“Here is loverboy,” he said and held the phone against Adam’s right ear.

“A-Adam… god, I-…Adam I-“  Ronan sounded so broken. Why? Why was he upset? He opened his mouth, it felt dry and his throat hurt. He could barely talk, “Ronan…” his voice sounded raspy. He needed water-. No, clothes. Clothes, he needed clothes-. He needed- he needed so many things. His head was a mess. He sobbed.

“Adam…”

“Don’t come,” he said, surprising even himself, “Ronan-“ he coughed, “Don’t fucking come.”

“Adam what the fuck- No, I- just tell me where you are. Fuck you, fuck this-“

Adam turned his head. Instead he listened to the voices inside his head. Kavinsiky laughed and grabbed Adam by his hair, he pushed a bottle of water against Adam’s lips. Except it wasn’t water, the liquid burned inside his throat. He started coughing again.

Kavinsiky helped him put on his clothes, his hands rough against Adam’s bruised skin.

“See, I’m not that bad. I could always just leave you naked,”

Not that bad… not that bad. The words barely got through him. Ah he was right- it could have been worse. Adam nodded in agreement. Mind numb.

“God you’re a mess,” Kavinsiky laughed and ruffled his hair, he then pushed Adam off the car into the dirt. He couldn’t stand up anymore, he could barely move. He had to force himself to turn to his side, he felt like throwing up again. Nothing came out.

There was a sound from behind him.

A car-

Oh no-!

He tried to get out of the way, but couldn’t. He couldn’t move- help. Help-

The car drove away.

The sun had gone under. Adam closed his eyes. He was trembling, only he didn’t know why. It was starting to get cold, he was in pain, he was scared, tired- done. Adam was done. He felt himself lose consciousness.

Only Kavinsiky was back, there was a car. No… no. The light coming from the car hurt, it made him want to throw up again. Kavinsiky was back, he kneeled down next to Adam and was touching him. There were hands on his shoulder, on his head, on the places nearby his bruises. “Fuck- Parrish, fuck, fuck…” Kavnisky cursed.

No, not Kavinsiky.

“I told you not to come,” Adam said, a sob escaped past his lips. Was he still crying? He felt something warm roll down his cheek. Was that blood?

Ronan kept cursing, he tried to help Adam get up. His hands were touching him. There were hands on him. He didn’t want them there. “Stop,” he sobbed, “Please-,” he tried to get away from those hands, “No more,” he shut his eyes and tried to curl up even more, “No more-… stop…” the hands stopped.

Ronan was quiet.

And then Adam heard it.

A sob. It wasn’t his.

He opened his eyes, Ronan was on his knees, his back towards the light, Adam couldn’t see his face. Ronan was hunched over him. His hands were on his face, or at least close. And his body was shaking. “Fuck Adam,” Adam, Ronan had been calling him Adam this entire time. He hadn’t even noticed. He shut his eyes. Ronan didn’t cry. Ronan was too cold for that. Too arrogant to let others see him cry. He was crying for Adam.

Adam reached out a hand, when it rested on top of Ronan’s knee he sighed.

Ronan was quiet again. He’d only allowed himself one moment. He was silent as he waited for Adam to talk, “I really… really…. Need to take a shower,” Adam said.

Ronan sucked in a breath, “Fuck- yeah, yeah you do. L… Let… let me- I mean, I’m gonna take you to a hospital. Fuck, yeah…oh man,”

Adam shook his head, he felt numb, tired. He no longer felt present. He no longer felt like Adam. He felt like something else. This hadn’t happened to him. The trees were whispering.

“No hospital,” he said. He didn’t want that. “Ronan- no hospital,”

“Parrish, what? Fuck yeah, I’m taking to a hospital. Look at yourself-“

There was the faint memory of nurses looking at him with pity while they fussed around him. The memory of police sirens. _“I’d like to file a complaint_.” It felt so far away. As if that had happened to a different person. Who was he again?

Adam, Adam Parrish. He was Adam Parrish and he was currently lying down in the dirt because he had been attacked by Joseph Kavinsiky.

His breathing came out faster than usual. “No hospital,” he said again. He said it again and again, like a mantra. Softly under his breath.

“Okay, no hospital…” Ronan agreed finally. “Th-then where? Home?” But where was home?

“Help me up,” Adam said. Ronan hesitated. Adam knew it was Ronan touching him because his hands were clammy and trembling, they were soft and only touched him where they needed. Adam had to lean against Ronan in order not to fall. He let Ronan take him to the car. He almost fought back. He didn’t want to get back into the car. He was scared. Instead he threw up. Ronan cursed but let him. He didn’t kick him for throwing up, didn’t complain about his car. Adam had thrown up over Ronan’s clothes. He had to apologize.

Ronan helped him inside the car, made sure the seatbelt was on and then ran around the car to get in as well. He drove fast downhill. Eyes focused on the road, sometimes he’d cast a quick look at Adam. Adam looked back, there was guilt in Ronan’s eyes.

Adam wanted to hide. He hugged himself and let his head rest against the window. The cool glass helped a bit against the headache.

“Adam, talk to me.” Ronan said.

“No hospital,”

“Fuck Adam, I know I’m not taking you to the hospital.” Ronan sounded close to freaking out himself.

“No hospital,” he was thirsty, he groaned. “N-no… Gansey.”

“G-Gansey?” Ronan almost lost control over the car, he hit the brakes just in time. Adam shot forward, the belt stopped him.

“Don’t tell Gansey? Are you fucking serious?” Ronan asked. Eyes wide in shock as he met Adam’s gaze. Adam found he couldn’t hold his gaze. He looked down at his lap. He frowned then, he was wearing jeans.

“I-… I didn’t put on any jeans today.” He whispered, more to himself then to Ronan. But with all of Ronan’s attention on him, of course he heard. Adam’s eyes widened once he realized he wasn’t wearing his own pants. He tried clawing them off, looked at the shirt he was wearing and wasn’t even sure if it was his because it was too dark.

It was Ronan that stopped him from doing anything stupid. “No Gansey, no Noah, no Blue. They won’t find out, I promise.” His hand hovered above Adam’s. I’m taking you to Monmouth,” When Adam wanted to protest Ronan stopped him, “I’ll tell Gansey to leave, I’ll ask him to take Noah. I need you to be somewhere safe tonight Adam,”

Adam shut his eyes.

“I’m not a damsel in distress,” he said.

“Hell, no you aren’t,” Ronan tried to laugh, but it sounded broken and closer to a sob. He was driving again, going over the speed limit. He called Gansey. Adam barely managed to pay attention.

“Could you go to Blue’s place for a while? Take Noah with you.” Silence, Ronan glanced at Adam. “Yes, Adam is with me, I found him-… I… no, I mean-” more silence, “Look man, just do what I’m asking. Trust me on this-”more silence as Ronan listened to whatever Gansey was telling him.

So, Gansey knew Adam had been missing. Had Ronan told him? Had they both been looking for him?

Adam held out his hand, Ronan got the hint and handed him the phone. Ronan didn’t lie. But Adam did. “Hey,” he said, making sure his voice sounded as close to normal as possible.

“Adam!” Gansey sounded so relieved, Adam glanced at Ronan. Had he told them? “Adam, we’ve been looking for you for hours, did Kavinsiky hurt you?”

They knew he had been with Kavinsiky. Ronan had probably been at Monmouth when Kavinsiky had called, of course Gansey knew. Of course, Gansey had jumped in his own car, of course they had split up and searched for him.

“I’m splendid,” Adam managed to joke, “I… yeah, we just talked. Creeped me out a little,” he could see the way Ronan tensed up.

“Talked? You only talked? What did he want to know? Why you? Why now?”

The world was spinning again, he felt nauseous. “Look, I’ll tell you later- we just, Ka-… he told me something, a theory I’d like to test it out. Ronan and I need to be alone for that, could we use Monmouth? Only for a couple of hours.”

“Adam what theory? This could be dangerous. Can’t we do it together? Can’t we discuss this first? I don’t trust Kavinsiky.” It took Adam effort and a lot of time to convince Gansey. By the time he finally agreed they were only ten minutes away from Monmouth.

Adam hung up. “Stop the car,”

“What? Why?” Ronan asked, he stopped the car.

Adam fumbled with the doorknob. He cursed, felt stupid for not being able to do such a simple task. When he finally managed to open the door, he remembered he was still stuck. He got angry. Kicked the dashboard in frustration when he couldn’t remove the belt. Ronan helped him and Adam got out.

He threw up, except there wasn’t anything to throw up. He wretched. Ronan got out of the car, he remained by his side but at a safe distance.

“I’m sorry…” Ronan said. “You… shouldn’t have-, it’s my fault. I- he did it to spite me. This is my mess… and-… fuck, I messed up. I messed up so bad.” There was a crack in his voice.

Adam turned to face him. It was dark, but this time he could see the look on Ronan’s face.

“It’s not… it’s not your fault,” he said. “We’ll talk about this later,”

“Parrish… I-“

“Let’s go Ronan, let me take a shower first.”

Ronan breathed in, then nodded and got back into the car. Adan followed. The last ten minutes were quiet.

 

* * *

 

Ronan had given him some of his clothes. The clothes Adam had been wearing got thrown away. Ronan made a mental note to himself to burn them later. Right now, his top priority was Adam, Adam who was sitting on Rona’s bed, in Ronan’s room, in Ronan’s clothes

He had one black eye, he was covered in bruises and wounds. None of the wounds were deep, they were scratches from hitting the hard asphalt and rocks. Of skin breaking under someone else’s fists. Ronan was careful as he took care of them. He had rubbed Adam’s back with ointment against burns. The last bruises he covered up were the ones on Adam’s neck. There were marks of fingers, and then there were marks left by lips. Ronan put bandages on every mark he saw.

When he was done, they were both quiet. It was almost midnight. How much time had gone by since they arrived? When would Gansey come back?

“Think you could dream some make-up for me?” Adam finally asked,

Ronan winced, he held out both hands toward Adam. Adam took them without any hesitation, his hands were bandaged. There were scratches on them and burn wounds. “How…”

“The car, sun…” Adam explained, he was tired. His eyes fluttered shut. He opened them again.

“That fucker-, I’ll kill him-“

“Don’t get kicked out of Aglionby.” Adam said.

“Really? That’s what you’re worried about? Did he hit your head a few times too often?” Ronan asked.

“Fuck off,” Adam snapped back, “I need you there, asshole!” his voice broke and he lowered his head, “I need you there.” His pride stung, humiliation burned on his cheeks, “I can’t do this alone,” he sucked in a deep breath. “Can I sleep here?”

Ronan nodded, he got up from the bed and watched as Adam lay down on his side. He pulled the covers over his shoulders, then he reached out his hand towards him, Ronan sat down on the bed again and took the hand.

“Will you sleep here as well?” Adam asked,

“D-Do you want me to?”

Adam bit his lip, he looked uncertain. Realized his pride was already damaged for good and said, “Please don’t leave me, not now.”

“I won’t.” it wasn’t a promise, it was the truth. Ronan wouldn’t leave Adam’s side.

“Thank you… for finding me.” Adam said and not soon after he fell asleep.

Ronan remained put. Even when he felt his friend’s grip on his hand loose, Adam’s breathing changed and Ronan remained where he was. Only when he heard the sound of Gansey returning home did he let go. He got up as quiet as he could and left his room. He kept the door ajar as he headed downstairs to greet Gansey.

Gansey looked like a mess, he still had his brow furrowed in worry. He wore his glasses and a simple plain shirt instead of his trademark polo shirts.

“Has Adam returned home already?” Ronan noticed Noah standing behind Gansey.

“He’s in my room,” Ronan said, he put both hands in the pockets of his sweatpants.

Gansey’s eyes widened, he took a step towards the stairs but then stopped. “W-why is he here?” he asked, “Adam would- Adam never….”

“He-he’s exhausted,” it wasn’t a lie. But it was an understatement.

Gansey nodded, “Ronan, tell me what happened.” He said. Gansey didn’t demand, Gansey asked. Today was an exception. Yet Ronan could not tell him, he had promised Adam. He sighed and sat down, he felt miserable. Lower then scum. “I hurt him… it’s my fault,” he said.

“He said he was alright-“ Gansey’s voice was barely louder than a whisper, “He said Kavinsiky only wanted to talk-“

Ronan snorted, “He hurt him, It’s my fault.”

Gansey shook his head and kneeled down in front of Ronan, he looked up to meet his gaze. It was obvious Gansey wasn’t used to seeing his friend like this. He didn’t know what to do. “No, no… Ronan, it’s Kavinsiky. He’s the one who’s messed up. You’re not responsible for what he does,” he then smiled, though it was hollow, for once Gansey couldn’t pretend to be alright. “Besides… this is Adam we’re talking about, he’ll get over this. Whatever happened, it can’t be worse than his father.”

Ronan bit his lip. If only that were true. “Cover up for us tomorrow, will you?” Ronan said and got up,

Gansey hesitated, then nodded. “O-of course,”

Ronan glanced at Noah, except Noah was gone. “Tell Blue to keep her distance for a while,”

Gansey nodded again, “I’ll see if he wants to talk to you tomorrow,” Ronan finally headed back towards his room. Adam was still sound asleep as he closed the door behind him. He leaned against the door. Ronan needed a moment to collect himself.

He slept on the ground that night. If you could even call it sleeping, he just dozed off every once in a while. But every sound he heard made him wake up. Adam didn’t move the entire night. He remained in the same position.

He was alive, he was back by Ronan’s side. They could get through this.

Adam was strong. He could survive this. Ronan would allow him this moment of weakness and then he’d make sure Adam would heal.


	2. Chapter 2

 At what point, Gansey wondered, had he become Ronan and Adam’s ‘official’ guardian.  Gansey thought while stroking his bottom lip with his thumb. He only allowed himself a second to lose composure before pushing the call button on his phone. He was still in his car, parked in front of Monmouth factory. If he didn’t hurry, he was going to be late for school. _I don’t care_. He caught himself thinking. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Abligony academy, with Anne.” A voice said.

Gansey easily slipped into what his friends called the Richard Campbell Gansey the third modus. He smiled even though the woman couldn’t see it, he knew she could hear it in his voice.

“Anne, good morning. How are you?” he said.

He heard her chuckle, she replied and allowed the small talk to go on for two minutes before getting down to business. “Let me guess, is this about Ronan Lynch again?” she asked, her voice kind.

“Yes actually, but it’s different this time,” he said.

“Oh,” she hummed, she didn’t sound very convinced. Still Gansey remained calm and polite, even though he felt like screaming. He wanted to go back inside. He wanted to burst into Ronan’s room and see with his own two eyes that Adam was alright. Kavinsiky hadn’t done him any harm, all he wanted was to talk. Perhaps get some information about Ronan out of him.

Except, Ronan had locked his door and when Gansey had knocked, Ronan told him to fuck off. Usually he wouldn’t have given in so easily. But Ronan sounded so off, so un-Ronan, Gansey didn’t knock again. Instead of convincing them to talk to him, he’d grabbed his stuff and headed out.

Instead of doing what he felt was right, Gansey talked to Anne, the second-best option, he hoped.

“It’s Adam _and_ Ronan actually, you see.” He said.

This did get a proper response, “Adam, Adam Parrish?” she asked, then she sighed. “Oh, that poor boy. What happened to him?” Gansey bit on the inside of his cheeks. It was one thing to hide the bruises for your friends, it was a whole other thing to hide them for an entire school. And no matter how hard Adam tried, they’d still found out. Of course, they did. It had only been a matter of time after Adam pressed charges for domestic violence and changed his address. The school had also been informed that from now on, Adam Parrish would sign his own legal documents nor was his father allowed to hear anything about Adam’s life at school. It was kind of hard to keep it a secret from then on. The cat was out of the bag and Adam was still struggling with keeping the school’s nose out of his business.

Gansey allowed the silence to stretch on, he knew it worked in his favor. Anne sighed again, “Oh that poor boy,” she said again. “Ronan Lynch is staying with him?”

“Yes,” Gansey nodded, not sure if she’d allow Ronan’s absence. He checked the time on his dashboard. “I’m not sure how much time Adam needs to recover,” he then added for extra measure, “It’s not pretty.” Even though he hadn’t seen him.

Anne hesitated as well, “Was it his father?” she asked softly.

And Gansey wanted to laugh, “No, he got mugged.” He paused when he heard her gasp, “Yeah, it’s uhm- it’s not good.” He said.

“No, no of course not. I can imagine,” she said, she tutted softly, “Oh that poor boy. As if he hasn’t gone through enough already.” She then took a deep breath, “Well then Richard, thank you for giving the school a call. I’ll let the teachers know about their absence. Tell Adam he has an appointment with the student council when he comes back.”

Gansey grimaced. Adam wasn’t going to like that. Still he agreed and hung up. He only made it just in time. Not that it made much difference. Every passing second made Gansey regret going to school. He should have stayed home. Even if Adam and Ronan didn’t want him there, he should have let them know he was there. _It’s okay, I’m here. We’ll figure this out together_.

He pushed those thoughts aside, instead he paid attention to what his teachers said, even more so than usual. He made sure that his notes were neat and readable. His handwriting wasn’t as neat as Adam’s, but it would do. At least he could do that.  

 

* * *

 

Adam woke up in a bed that wasn’t his. The sheets were too soft, they didn’t smell like his cheap laundry detergent. They still smelled familiar, for one blissful moment, Adam allowed himself to bury himself even deeper in the cocoon of blankets. It was pleasantly warm. But then he felt the ache. He was sore, he was in pain. His arms were burning and when he opened his eyes, one eye remained shut. It felt swollen and irritated.

He blinked, everything looked blurry. It took him a short moment to focus his gaze on anything in particular in the room. Ronan’s room, he realized. He was in Ronan’s room because Ronan put him there. Because Ronan had picked him up.

Adam hadn’t dreamt, and even if he did, he couldn’t remember. He didn’t feel rested at all. There had been other mornings like this. Mornings were Adam woke up with a broken body. Except there had never been that kind of ache. His brain provided him with in debt flashes of what happened to him yesterday. He couldn’t stop them. Adam shot up, he covered his mouth when he felt like throwing up.

He heard a sound next to him. He panicked, there was someone in the room. Adam gagged, he tried to hold it in. He had to get out, but he couldn’t move and his body started trembling and-

Ronan handed him a bucket. His hand hovered above Adam’s shoulder for a second, then he pulled away when Adam retched and spit out stomach acid. He was sweating, he felt horrible. He knew Ronan was staring at him. Knew he had to say something, except he couldn’t find any words. He remained silent and closed his eyes. His hands were trembling, Ronan slowly pulled the bucket out of them. He handed Adam some tissues and when Adam wiped his mouth he winced at the cut in his lip. Next thing Ronan gave him was a bottle of water. Only then did Adam hesitate, his hand had already reached for it, yet he paused. He looked up and met Ronan’s gaze. He saw the frown on his friend’s face. If Adam was tired, Ronan was way past exhausted. He looked like he would faint any moment. His face looked pale, he had dark bags under his eyes, his eyes were bloodshot. He looked horrible. When Adam told him so, Ronan said nothing, just glared at him.

Adam didn’t take the bottle. Instead he pushed the sheets off him and announced he was going to take a shower.

“Alright. But drink first.” Ronan said.

“I’m not thirsty.” Adam lied.

“Then you drink to get rid of the taste, Jesus Parrish.”

Adam glared at him, then snatched the bottle out of Ronan’s hand. He fumbled with the cap. Ronan had done a poor job at bandaging him up, everything had gotten loose and his neck itched. When he tried scratching he felt even more bandages. He was suffocating. He still couldn’t open the bottle.

“Here let me,” Ronan said and held his hand out to him.

“Fuck off, Lynch.” Adam spat.

“For fuck’s sake Parrish.” Ronan grabbed the bottle, he seemed surprised when Adam let go immediately. He put too much force in that move and the bottle went flying. He tried grabbing it with his other hand, Adam watched him fumble and almost trip off the bed. When Ronan dropped the bottle, he cursed loudly.

Adam ignored him, he slowly removed the bandages around his arms. He had first degree burns from being pushed on the car. He had scrape wounds from falling on the road after getting hit by a car, his left side hurt. When Adam curiously lifted his shirt, he saw a huge bruise. Ronan placed the bottle in his hands.

Adam drank more than half of it.

For once, Ronan didn’t comment on it. He watched Adam struggle with getting up, and only offered his help after Adam’s fourth try. When Adam glared at him, Rona narrowed his eyes. He crossed his arms, “Fine.” He said.

Adam turned his head, his cheeks burning. He saw black spots when he stood up, again he felt like throwing up. Ronan was too slow with his bucket. He was lucky when all Adam did was heave, nothing came out of his stomach. His stomach hurt and Adam doubled over.

“Fuck Parrish, c’mon,” Ronan said, “Let me help you up,” Ronan’s hand wrapped around Adam’s bicep, he slowly helped Adam with getting up, his other hand on Adam’s back. This time, Adam did throw up, all over Ronan’s shirt. Ronan cursed even more.

“I think you have a concussion.” Ronan said after a moment of silence, his comment very helpful. He gently guided Adam to the wall so that he could rest.

“You think?” Adam asked, slightly out of breath. Both hands pressed against his stomach, he shut his mouth. Afraid of throwing up even more.

“Just go back to bed, rest a bit more.”

Adam shook his head, except that didn’t help much either. “I feel dirty. Let me shower first.” He said between gritted teeth. He could smell himself and it was awful.

Ronan looked like he wanted to say something else, he breathed in loudly through his nose then nodded. “Fine, let’s get you something to eat while you’re at it.” He added. Ronan had to help Adam walk. As if this could get even worse. Still, Adam kept his mouth shut and allowed Ronan to help him, he gritted his teeth. It took longer than usual to get to the bathroom, which was downstairs. Just great. They had to take four breaks because otherwise Adam would certainly faint.

When they finally entered the bathroom/kitchen, Adam sat down on the edge of the bathtub while Ronan rushed out of the room. Adam heard him run back to his room. In less than a minute, he returned with a clean set of clothes.

“They’ll be a bit too big on you, but it’s this or Gansey’s. And Gansey is shorter so yeah…” he said, “I could drive to St. Agnes and pick up some of your clothes.” He offered.

“No, it’s fine.” Adam said, “I should go back anyway.”

“I think the fuck not.” Ronan said.

Adam prepared himself for a fight, “Ronan-“

“No fucking way Parrish.” Ronan interrupted him, “You seriously think I’m letting you stay in that moldy apartment of yours when you can’t even walk without my help?” he didn’t give Adam a chance to protest. “You look like shit and I’m pretty sure you feel like it too, you’re staying here and that’s final.”

“Ronan-“ he wanted to shout, he wanted to get mad at Ronan and tell him he didn’t need his help. He could put his charity elsewhere. His gaze met Noah’s. How long had he’d been standing behind Ronan’s back? Adam didn’t know. Noah stood in the entrance, eyes wide.

“Adam,” Noah said softly.

Ronan turned around quickly, as if bitten. Adam knew he looked as tense as Ronan. “What the fuck Noah! Get out!”

“B-but what happened? I thought you said-“

“Out!” Ronan pushed him out of the bathroom. He threw the door shut behind the two of them, leaving Adam alone in the bathroom. He stayed still for a moment, then he slowly got up and headed towards the door to lock it. Ronan and Noah were talking outside. For a moment, Adam thought of eavesdropping. Then decided a shower was more important. He slowly removed his bandages and then the clothes Ronan had given him yesterday. They smelled of ointments and sweat. It was the first time he got a proper chance to look at himself. He shouldn’t have, he realized that a moment too late. Every bruise he saw brought back a memory.

Adam turned his back to the mirror and crawled into the shower. He felt out of balance and almost tripped twice. He showered longer than usual, the water was warm and felt pleasant. The shower had all sorts of hair products, all of them were from Gansey. They all looked expensive and Adam wondered why Gansey couldn’t even be normal about shampoo.

Still they smelled nice and Adam felt clean once he got out of the shower.

He knew he was slow. He knew both Ronan and Noah were waiting outside. Ronan’s clothes smelled of Laundry freshener. They were expensive and soft. The fabric felt almost alien in Adam’s rough hands. He struggled with putting them on. The shirt was too big, it would have probably been too big on Ronan too. It didn’t rub against any of Adam’s bruises, which is probably what Ronan had aimed for. He sighed, he should really thank Ronan. The sweatpants looked even more baggy on Adam, but at least he could tie the strings around his waist in a tight knot and they didn’t slip off.

Adam had to sit down, tired after such a little task. He still hadn’t eaten, yet felt like throwing up again.

Ronan knocked on the door, “Parrish, you alive?”

Adam grunted something in response. He stood up and walked towards the door to unlock it. Ronan still had that worried frown on his face. Adam wanted to punch it.

“What do you want for breakfast?”

“More like brunch.” Noah chirped from behind. He tried to act casual but did a miserable job at it.

“Can you help me first?” Adam asked, he made sure to stay out of Noah’s sight. Only one eye worked properly, his left swollen and irritated. If Noah stood too far on his left side, Adam could neither see nor hear him. He hated it.

Ronan entered the room and shut it behind him, he locked the door again and watched Adam sit down on the closed toilet lid. “So….?”

Adam rubbed his neck, “Could you-…” he didn’t want to do this. He knew Gansey and Noah wanted answers. He knew he didn’t want to talk about it. But if he could at least hide one part of the truth, that would make things a lot easier. “My neck,” he whispered then.

“A-ah yeah! Of course.” Ronan nodded. He looked for the first aid kit. Adam saw him rummage through the cabinets. When Ronan found it, he returned to Adam’s side. Ronan glared at Adam’s neck. As if he could will the evidence away.

“I could dream you something that’ll make them disappear,” he offered.

Adam said nothing.

“Want me to ask the maggot for some foundation?”

Adam’s eyes widened, “Did you tell Blue?” he asked, his heart skipped a beat, he felt like throwing up again.

Ronan glared at him, “Of course not. Why the fuck would I even call her?” he then stared at Adam’s neck, Adam fought back to urge to scratch the irritated skin there. “I don’t know how to hide it, no matter what I do it’ll still look obvious.” He said. “You’re going to need foundation to cover that up,” he said, he meant it as a joke, Adam didn’t laugh. Then softly Ronan added, “Look Parrish… it’s just Gansey and Noah they won’t-“

“Please don’t.” Adam said.

“Fine.” Ronan snapped. He wrapped the bandage around Adam’s neck then checked Adam’s other injuries. His hands were cold, Adam hissed every time he touched a sore spot. Ronan would apologize, but there were so many injuries, so he just repeated the action. An endless mantra of silently suffering and hushed apologies.

“I still think you should see a doctor,” Ronan said.

Adam shook his head. When he closed his eyes, the voices were back. _Not now_. He thought. _Please leave,_ out of the corner of his eyes, he saw a woman _._ Cabeswater listened, the woman disappeared.

“Parrish?”

“I’m tired.” He said.

Silence,

Then, “Let’s get you something to eat.”

There wasn’t much food in the kitchen. Adam heard Ronan curse at himself, then at Gansey for some unknown reason. In the end, all Adam got was a bowl of healthy cereal with dried strawberries in it that Gansey probably bought but never ate. The milk had gone bad but they still had some yoghurt so Ronan offered him that instead. They sat on the floor nearby Gansey’s mini Henrietta. Ronan had to help Adam get there, he looked even smaller in Ronan’s too big clothes.

Adam only took a few bites of his cereal, he ate them dry and with his hands. Then he put the bowl down and stared at the cardboard boxes. Ronan followed his gaze, Adam was staring at a replica of Abligony academy. Then his eyes fell on a supermarket nearby.

“We had a History test today,” Adam said in a monotone tone.

“Gansey informed the school, I’m sure they’ll understand.” Ronan replied.

“What about you?” Adam asked, for a moment, it felt like he was already drifting away. Like he was no longer there, he stared at Ronan.

Ronan shrugged. Adam hugged his knees to his chest, he ignored his body protesting. He knew that at some point, Noah sat down next to him. But neither of them spoke. Adam closed his eyes and embraced the silence that had surrounded them.

 

* * *

 

 

Adam was back in Ronan’s room when Gansey returned home. He’d received a text from Ronan earlier that day asking him to go grocery shopping. Noah helped him put everything away. When Gansey headed towards the stairs, he felt a cold hand wrap around his wrist. Noah was fading again. He shook his head. “Don’t.” he said it in the same way someone would say ‘please’. Gansey wanted to cry. Instead he swallowed and shook his head.

“Why? Did you see him? What did he say?” Gansey couldn’t fight back the anxiety. It started at the bottom of his stomach and slowly grew. “Noah, please.” He pleaded.

“I saw him,” he said and rubbed his neck, a gesture Gansey thought of as odd. “Give him space. He wants that,”

Gansey really wanted to cry now, he swallowed.

Ronan’s door opened. It was Ronan who stood on top of the stairs looking down at them. His gaze cold as always, yet something was different. Gansey knew it, saw it in the way he walked.

Ronan walked past them to rummage through the groceries. He’d send Gansey a list of ingredients. It’s one thing to see Ronan taking care of someone, it’s a whole other thing to see Ronan Lynch preparing dinner. He didn’t even snap at Gansey and Noah when he caught them staring for too long. Just muttered a dry, “Fuck off,” that lacked all of its usual bite. Ronan was tired, Gansey thought.

Ronan made soup, Noah and Gansey watched him in silence. Ronan put two bowls of soup on a tray, added four bottles of water and after a moment of hesitation, added a bag of chips.

“Ronan, can we talk?” Gansey asked, he hated himself for breaking the spell.

“Not now. Later.” Ronan said and headed back upstairs.

Gansey glanced at Noah.

“Don’t.” Noah warned him.

Gansey went after Ronan. Noah didn’t stop him like he feared. Gansey felt anxious, he wanted to enter Ronan’s room and see with his own two eyes that Adam was alright. Perhaps a bit tired. But Adam would be fine, he’d probably needed one more day rest and then he’d head back to St. Agnes and the next day all three of them would see each other again at Abligony. After school, they could head to Nino’s and convince Blue to hang out with them. Though he feared she might not show up, she and Adam had been fighting a lot lately.

But Adam wasn’t alright. Gansey barely remembered to knock, he pushed the door open before either Adam or Ronan could tell him to leave. The two of them were sitting on Ronan’s bed, facing each other. Ronan had already started eating his soup while Adam had just been turning his spoon around. They both looked up when they heard Gansey knock.

There was a moment of silence and then Gansey all but run towards Adam, “Adam,” he said, eyes glued to his best friend’s face, “Adam, Jesus, what happened? You said you only talked!” he reached out towards Adam’s face but then froze. Ronan’s bed was big, when Gansey sat on the edge there was still enough space between him and Adam. Yet, he noticed right away how tense Adam looked just by Gansey getting so close. He pulled back and sat as far on the edge as possible without falling off.

“We did… talk,” Adam said. His gaze returned to the soup on his lap. Gansey noticed how small he looked, it was a look Gansey had never liked on him. Ronan’s clothes were too big on him, which didn’t help much either. Adam put his bowl of soup back on the tray. Ronan’s head snapped up.

“No, no. You’re eating.” He said, he placed his own bowl on the tray so that he could pick up Adam’s and put it back on his lap. It was a miracle it didn’t fall. Gansey frowned.

“I’m not hungry,” Adam said, he rubbed his right eye.

“I don’t give a fuck.” Ronan said, “You’ve thrown up multiple times, and I’m not a doctor but I know that isn’t healthy, it’s even worse when it’s just stomach acid. So, eat up and don’t act like a baby.”

Adam glared at him, “Fuck off, Lynch.” He snapped.

Ronan glared back at him, he didn’t say anything back though. He nodded towards Adam’s food and then continued eating his own. Then he paused and said, “I think he has a concussion.”

Gansey’s eyes widened.

Adam clenched his jaw.

“Adam perhaps you should see a doctor,” Gansey said, his eyes fell on his arms. The angry red skin, the many bandy aids. He could see when Ronan ran out of normal ones and had to switch to the colorful ones that Noah had asked them to buy. Under any other circumstances, this would have been a funny sight. There was nothing funny though. Finally, Gansey’s gaze landed on the bandages wrapped around Adam’s throat.

“What happened?” he asked again.

Adam rubbed the side of his neck. Gansey’s mind immediately went back to Noah. He reached out to Adam, once Adam noticed, he flinched away. He spilled a small amount of soup over the sheets.

“Watch it Dick!” Ronan snapped.

Gansey felt like he’d been kicked in the guts. Adam’s hands were trembling, he kept spilling. Gansey slowly reached out towards the bowl and removed it from Adam’s hands. When Adam met his gaze, there were tears in his eyes, he was fighting to keep them back. His lips were drawn into a thin line. Adam turned his head and let out a ragged breath.

They barely heard him when he whispered something under his breath.

“Sorry Adam, what was that?” Gansey asked, voice careful.

“Nothing, I’m tired.”

“I understand,” Gansey said, he did his best to focus on Adam’s good eye and not the swollen one. “But you need to eat, here u-uhm,” he stammered, he held out the spoon towards Adam.

Ronan scoffed.

Adam stared at the spoon Gansey held out to him. “I’m not letting you feed me, _Dick_.” He said. Adam sounded tired, but Gansey had noticed the attempt of a joke. Even Ronan seemed surprised. Gansey smiled, “Oh c’mon, I’ve always wanted to do this.” He said, “I never had any younger siblings,” he added.

“Feed the maggot, she’s got the size of a child.” Ronan muttered.

“Ronan!” Gansey said affronted. They both knew they were doing a lousy job at pretending everything was alright. Adam looked miserable, but after a few more minutes of bickering, he appeared to be more at ease. Ronan had finished his soup. Gansey’s arm was getting tired but he still held out the spoon towards Adam.

When Adam finally put the spoon in his mouth, he sighed in relief. “Alright,” he said and grabbed his bowl back. Gansey handed him his spoon back, Adam ate in silence. He gave up when he wasn’t even halfway. But it was better than nothing. Ronan handed him a bottle of water and took their dishes back to the kitchen. Gansey removed the dirty sheets and put on new ones.

“Tell me what happened,” Gansey insisted.

Adam shook his head. The bed dipped behind his back, he tensed. Noah apologized softly. (How long had he been here) When Ronan returned, he opened the bag of chips. Gansey frowned, Ronan would never stop amazing him. How could he even keep eating at a moment like this? And then he realized Ronan’s plan. Gansey had left to retrieve his schoolbag, he showed Adam his notes and textbooks and told him what he’d missed in class.

They ignored Ronan complaining about stupid schoolwork and how they had better stuff to do. Adam didn’t even bat an eye, simply told him to shut up. When Ronan offered him the bag of chips, Adam’s hand disappeared in the bag. He grabbed a few chips, Gansey held his breath. Adam took small bites, but he was eating. He didn’t pay much attention to what he was doing, in order to keep it going, Gansey kept talking. Once he was done with school work, he talked about Glendower. He knew that they already knew this information, knew that they were all just pretending to listen, but it worked. It kept Adam distracted enough to continue eating. Again, it wasn’t much, at some point he waved his hand, a gesture that meant ‘No thanks’ when Ronan offered again. Instead, Ronan gave Adam another painkiller. Adam accepted it. He fell asleep not much after.

The three of them left the room as quiet as possible.

Ronan followed Gansey downstairs.

Again, Gansey asked what happened.

“I promised not to tell,” Ronan admitted, arms crossed. He was scowling. Gansey sighed but he finally allowed to let it slide for today.

“Kavinsiky wasn’t at school today,” he then said.

“That asshole better keep his fucking distance,” Ronan snapped.

“Ronan, you know what this means, right?”

“What?”

Gansey bit his lips, he got a hand through his hair and didn’t care it probably looked terrible now. “This was a message.” Gansey said, “Adam was used to get your attention.”

Ronan glared at him, “I know that, Dick.” He said, Gansey ignored the nickname, he allowed it because Ronan was angry. Ronan had been angry since Kavinsiky called and told him he had Adam. Or Adam called, Gansey didn’t really know. Ronan had held his anger under control for Adam. He needed to rant, to vent and take it out. Since for once, he couldn’t fight with Adam, he took it out on Noah and Gansey. “I didn’t know he’d fucking do this! I didn’t even know he paid so much attention to Adam! When have they ever even spoken to each other?” he rambled, he cursed and kicked Gansey’s desk. Gansey just hoped Ronan wouldn’t wake Adam.

“Fuck Gansey, I don’t know what to do.” Ronan admitted after a while. He looked absolutely lost. Gansey’s chest hurt.

It was Noah that broke the silence, “Don’t do what Kavinsiky asks.” He said.

They both looked at him, “What?” Ronan said.

“Adam is a message. He wants you, he knows about your feelings for Adam. He hurt Adam so that you’d join him to protect Adam. Don’t do it. Adam wouldn’t want that, you’d only make it worse.” Noah looked sad, he’d just spilled one of Ronan’s secrets, a secret so well kept that Ronan didn’t know about it either. Ronan was fuming. It would only be a matter of seconds before he’d run at Noah to punch him in the face, dead or not.

Gansey felt a headache coming up. He tried to make sense of what Noah had just said.

“You’re in love with Adam?” Gansey asked when it finally clicked. He couldn’t hide the shock on his face. He knew the moment those words had left his mouth; Ronan’s wrath had turned on him. He was going to punch him, but Gansey couldn’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth. “Does he know?” he asked.

“I don’t see why this is relevant.” Ronan finally said, his jaw clenched.

Gansey covered his mouth, “Oh god, for real?” it wasn’t often that Gansey let him emotions take over. Yet this day just kept surprising him. “He hurt Adam because you like him? Why?” When Gansey cursed, it sounded odd. It felt like those words didn’t belong in his mouth. And when he started, he couldn’t stop. Gansey paced around the room while letting the new information sink in.

Ronan said, “He knows.”

Gansey turned around, “What?” he asked, breathless.

Ronan met his gaze, this wasn’t easy for him. His hands were balled into fists, but still Ronan held Gansey’s gaze. “He told Adam.”

“Jesus-“

“He made sure Adam knew why he did it.”

Gansey has to sit down. It was too much. He stared at Ronan, searched his gaze, for anything, anything at all that could tell him what happened to Adam. Ronan didn’t give him time. He brushed past him and went back to his room.

Gansey stared at Noah.

“You know,” _what happened_ he said, voice barely louder than a whisper.

“I wish I didn’t,” Noah said, he grimaced. His gaze fell on the stairs, Gansey followed it. He felt sick.

 

* * *

 

Ronan thought about going to supermarket and buying Adam concealer like they mentioned before. But instead of getting into his car, he lay down on the floor next to his bed. When he closed his eyes, he dreamt of an ointment that could heal any bruise. That would make the pain stop and the bruises disappear. Orphan girl watched from a distance. She didn’t say anything. Ronan wanted to snap at her, he was still furious. His talk with Gansey had only made things worse. Everything was his fault and he didn’t know how to solve it.

Adam woke him up before he could make things worse.

“Ronan,” he said, his hand gently shook Ronan’s shoulder. Ronan startled awake, he sat up straight and almost bumped his head against Adam’s. The ointment fell out of his hand.

“What’s that?” Adam asked and turned on a light. He stared at the small tube with a narrowed eye, the other still swollen and shut.

“O-ointment,” Ronan stammered, then frowned, “Why did you wake me?”

“I have work.” Adam said.

Ronan glanced at the clock. It was almost midnight. Adam sighed, “Tomorrow,”

“Well you’re not going.” Ronan said.

“I need to call them.”

“A-ah,” Ronan nodded, “Yeah, sure. Tomorrow.”

Adam nodded, “Tomorrow.”

Then Ronan stood up and sat down on the bed, he held up the tube. “Here, I dreamt this,” he said. For a second, he doubted that Adam would take it. Adam had allowed so much already, he wondered when he’d slip back into old habits and return to his normal life. He wondered when Adam would call Blue. Was he planning on keeping it a secret from her too? Wouldn’t it be obvious once she tried to kiss him? He wondered.

Adam took the tube and inspected it. Then he opened it, he removed a blue dinosaur from his skin and rubbed the ointment on it. He sighed, “It uhm… feels pleasant?” he offered.

Ronan laughed softly. “This is going to be fun,” he said dryly. Removing all the band aids, Adam said nothing, but the look on his face told Ronan it hurt. The ointment helped though. Ronan realized he’d have to clean his sheets again but it was a small price to pay. He removed the bandages around Adam’s neck and put more than absolutely necessary on the skin. Last thing he took care of was Adam’s swollen eye. It went slow, that one was the most sensitive. Not even the bruise on his side was as troublesome. He handed the half empty tube back to Adam, “You smell like trees,” he said.

Adam hummed. He held the tube between his hands and turned it around. “Thank you,” he said.

“I’m sorry,” Ronan sighed.

“It’s not your fault.” Adam said.

Ronan shut his eyes. He wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t going to cry.

His eyes were burning. Ronan rubbed a single tear away. “Alright,” he said, “Time to sleep.” he turned off the light again and lay back down on the floor. Adam didn’t say anything. After a while, Ronan heard the rustle of his sheets as Adam lay down again. Sheets pulled over his head.

Ronan listened to Adam’s breathing. He couldn’t sleep.

But that was alright, he thought.

Later that night when Adam woke up, gasping for air and covered in sweat, Ronan was there to calm him down. He didn’t ask him to talk about it. Ronan never talked about his nightmares either. Instead, he admitted softly, the time he spend with Kavinsiky. He told Adam about the drugs, about waking up but not being able to move. He told him about Kavinsiky looming over him, about his hands that had wandered under his shirt when he’d been unable to move. And Adam cried. He cried softly and asked Ronan to hold him. Ronan awkwardly shuffled closer to him on the bed and wrapped his arms around Adam’s trembling body

“I’m so scared,” he admitted. His fists clung to Ronan’s shirt. He didn’t want anyone to know. He hadn’t even wanted Ronan to find him. He told him about Cabeswater pulling him away. He told him that it felt like it wasn’t happening to him, that he was just a bystander who couldn’t stop what was going on.

“I thought it would be over.” Adam sobbed. Ronan hugged him tight and Adam soaked it all up. He melted into Ronan’s touch, sobbing softly, body trembling. “Why me?” he told Ronan this. Why was it Adam that got hurt? Why did he have to carry the bruises? At some it became mostly gibberish. The sobbing eventually stopped, Adam’s grip on Ronan loosened and Ronan knew he had fallen asleep again. Ronan didn’t lie down, instead he sat on the ground next to his bed so that he could keep watch over Adam. Adam only woke up for a short moment to reach his hand out towards Ronan, Ronan took it. He sighed, Adam fell asleep again.

When Adam’s dreams became violent, his grip would tighten and Ronan would wake him up. Ronan fell asleep when his clock read four in the morning.

 

* * *

 

Gansey didn’t go to school the next day. He informed Ronan that he’d already called Adam’s work the previous day, “The factory wants a doctor’s note, though.” He added, he looked more than guilty when telling him this. Gansey had already managed to convince their school to give Adam some time off, he’d managed to convince Adam’s other two jobs not to fire him, but he’d failed with this one.

Ronan nodded, “I’ll dream him one,” he said. Gansey’s head snapped up at this, his eyes wide, Ronan hated how tired he looked. His wireframes hung low on his nose, his hair was an unkempt mess and he was still walking around in his pajamas even though it was close to noon.

Adam had still been sleeping when Ronan slipped out of his bedroom. He knew that even the smallest sound could wake Adam up, knew that the noise his door had made must have woken him for a moment. But just like yesterday, Adam only opened his eyes long enough to see what had caused the sound, then he’d just went back to sleep.

“How are you holding up?” Gansey then asked. Ronan had made enough soup yesterday so that they could eat today as well. Since Adam’s stomach still couldn’t be trusted, he figured a liquid diet would be for the best, for now. He thought of Adam, gasping in his sleep, trying to push invisible hands off of him. He thought of Adam, crying in the middle of the night, holding on to Ronan while his body trembled. Then he looked at Gansey, whom Adam had flinched away from the moment he tried to reach for him.

“Fucking splendid,” he said with sarcasm.

Gansey for once, didn’t give him one of his disapproving looks. Instead he sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, “That bad huh,” he said. He glanced up at the stairs, from where they stood, they could see Ronan’s bedroom door. If Adam decided to get out, they’d know right away.

“I heard him… last night,” Gansey said, voice soft, unsure. Ronan hated what this was doing to Gansey, hated what Kavinsiky had done to Adam. He hated himself for letting this happen. Gansey sucked in a shuddering breath, his eyes looked glassy, “I don’t think I’ve ever heard him like that.” He said while hugging himself.

Ronan scowled, “It wasn’t pretty,” he agreed.

“Does he talk to you?” Gansey asked then. Yesterday, it had been Gansey who did most of the talking, Adam had just listened. Most of what came out of Adam’s mouth had been defensive, he’d shut Gansey out. Ronan, on one hand couldn’t blame him. He couldn’t even imagine what it must be like to be Adam right now, ever, to be honest.

Just a week ago, Adam and Ronan had still been fighting about the most ridiculous things. Now, Adam was hiding in Ronan’s room.

“We talked.” Ronan said, he looked down at his socks. God, had they talked. He wondered which what was worse; Adam refusing to talk to him, letting Ronan guess, or Adam spilling everything while constantly being interrupted by his own broken sobs. Now, whenever he looked at Adam, he knew what he had endured. Every time he looked at Adam, he wanted to kill Kavinsiky.

“About?”

“About what fucking happened!” Ronan raised his voice, then when he caught Gansey casting a quick look at Ronan’s bedroom door. Ronan breathed out through his nose, “Fucking Christ.” He kicked Gansey’s desk. Pain shot through his big toe, right up to his leg. He cursed some more, Gansey winced.

Gansey knew better then to ask ‘what’ exactly had happened. He’d tried, Adam had made it obvious he didn’t want anyone to know. Ronan knew Gansey wasn’t an idiot, it would only be a matter of time before Gansey put all the pieces together himself. Ronan had also thought of 300 Fox Way, of Calla, all she had to do was touch Adam to find out what happened. He couldn’t let that happen.

He leaned against Gansey’s desk while ignoring the throbbing pain coming from his feet. He frowned, he brought his wrist to his mouth so he could chew on the leather wristbands.

“Th-that’s… uhm, good. Actually,” Gansey then said, his voice soft.

Ronan glared at him, “The fuck?”

“That he’s talking, back when-…” he cast another nervous glance at the stairs, “Back when Adam still lived with his parents… he never talked about you know… _it_.” _Still doesn’t_ , they both thought but didn’t say out loud. Yesterday had been the closest he’d ever gotten to talking about it, and even then, it had been in combination to what happened on Sunday. It was more a question of, ‘I thought it would be over once I left _that_ place,’ rather than confessing the abuse had brought him back to another dark part of his life.

Finally, the door of Ronan’s bedroom creaked open. They both looked up at the same time, something clattered on the ground, the sound came from the bathroom/kitchen. Gansey let out a surprised yelp, Noah muttered an awkward apology. Ronan cursed, “Jesus fuck Noah, stop doing that shit!”

“It was an accident!” Noah said in defense. Ronan saw he’d dropped a ladle, he saw three empty soup bowls.

“Oh Noah,” Gansey said while smiling sadly at their friend.

“Also, Blue wants to know why we haven’t talked to her since Friday.” Noah said, he bend down to pick up the ladle and rinsed it. Gansey visibly tensed up, Ronan muttered another string of curses under his breath.

Adam stood between them when he said Blue’s name. Gansey looked up, startled. Eyes wide, then even wider when he looked at Adam’s face. Both Adam’s eyes were open, the skin around his left eye still looked bruised and irritated, but it was healing. “How-…” Gansey rasped.

Adam ignored him, instead he turned his gaze to Ronan, “I uhm… was wondering… if I could borrow another set of clothes?” he asked sheepishly, “I’d like to take another shower… your ointment kind of smells.” He said.

Ronan gave him a curt nod. Adam muttered a quiet thank you. He walked past Adam and headed back upstairs to retrieve a new set of clean clothes. His room smelled of sweat, herbs and vomit. Ronan opened his windows and left the door open when he rushed back downstairs. Gansey and Adam seemed to be arguing about something. Mostly it was Gansey looking troubled while trying to talk to Adam while Adam replied so fast, Ronan could see Gansey had trouble keeping up.

“Jesus Dick, I leave for two minutes.”

Gansey looked at him, “I-it’s not-… I just wanted-“

“You didn’t have to. I’m fine.” Adam shot back.

“You don’t look fine!” Gansey said back.

“The fuck is going on?” Ronan snapped.

Adam glared at him, he snatched the clothes out of Ronan’s hand and headed straight towards the bathroom, Noah quickly walked out of Adam’s way. Adam slammed the door shut behind his back, not a second later, they heard him locking it. Ronan glared at Gansey, he raised both eyebrows. Gansey looked even more troubled then earlier.

“He’s mad that I didn’t go to school.” Gansey said.

“He’s mad at himself,” Noah said. “Don’t take it personal Gansey… he’s surprised we’re all here for him. That’s all.”

Gansey nodded, he rubbed the corner of his left eye. Ronan watched him grab his phone, “I’m going to call Jane,” he said and padded towards the door that led to the hallway. Ronan watched him go. Noah stood next to him, even though the distance between them, Ronan still felt cold. He scowled, neither of them spoke. Ronan returned to leaning against Gansey’s desk, they both waited.

When the door to the bathroom creaked open again, Ronan shot up. Adam looked like he wanted to throw up, he remained close to the door while he peaked around the room, when his gaze fell on Ronan, he breathed out a sigh of relief.

“Ronan…” he looked like he wanted to throw up.

Ronan left Noah’s sight right away, he headed straight towards Adam. He then heard the door behind his back open.

“Is that Adam… Blue wants to talk-“ Gansey said from behind.

Adam grabbed Ronan’s wrist and pulled him inside the bathroom. The door slammed shut once again, Ronan ungracefully stumbled against the fridge, while Adam’s trembling hands tried to lock the door again. When he failed after two attempts, he cursed loudly.

“Let me-“

Adam looked like he wanted to argue, he breathed in, muttered something under his breath Ronan couldn’t hear and took a step back. Their arms brushed when Ronan walked past him to lock the door.

He could hear Noah and Gansey talking on the other side of the door. Gansey sounded even more troubled, Ronan swallowed the lump in his throat. He turned to Adam who’d been staring at him in silence, when caught staring, Adam looked away. His neck was bare, while the ointment had helped a great deal with healing, he could still see what was bothering Adam.

“You should have dreamed me foundation after all…” Adam said, a weak attempt of a joke once he caught Ronan staring.

“And cover those pretty freckles,” Ronan meant it as a joke. He reached out towards the towards the bite marks, then he realized that after everything that happened, it would be as good as impossible to interpreted this as a sarcastic joke. Then he realized that Adam had allowed him to reach out. He’d watched him, while he was alert and keeping track of every move Ronan made, he hadn’t stopped him.

“…We should… I-… fuck,” Ronan sighed, talk, he thought miserably. They should probably talk about it, even though just thinking about it made Ronan want to punch something.

“We don’t have to.” Adam said.

Ronan met his gaze, he hated how unsure he felt He was at least half a head taller than Adam, yet he hated how small he felt right now. Adam was staring at him, his arms were crossed and he looked just as small and vulnerable as Ronan felt. He hated seeing him like this. Adam had always stood his ground, even when he still lived at his parents’ place. He’d never backed away from a fight, not even Abligony had scared him away, even though his clothes were obviously secondhand, even though he had a limp or a black eye, even though the people there made it obvious Adam didn’t belong.

“Talk, I mean.” Adam licked his lips, “We don’t have to talk about it… I don’t want to talk about it.” He confessed softly. He looked down at his feet, he started fumbling with the hem of his shirt. Ronan felt like he’d been kicked in the guts.

“Fuck Ronan-…” Adam blinked and suddenly his eyes were wet again. He furiously tried to wipe the tears away, except more came and Adam looked like he was close to hurting himself. “I-I’m not an idiot, I… I-… I know Blue and are I-… we’re not-…. I know she wants to break up. I know _I want to_ break up after what happened-…” his voice broke. Ronan remained silent, he knew he was scowling. He was terrible at comforting people, this was Noah or Gansey’s job, hell even the maggot was better. God, how he hated her at that moment. How he hated that even now, Adam still thought of her.

“I-it’s not… fuck, It’s not that I don’t respect _this,_ ” he gestured at Ronan, “You, us… whatever the fuck it is you’re hoping for-“

“I’m not hoping for anything.” Ronan said.

Adam grimaced, “Of course you don’t.” he breathed out, the ‘why would you’ remained unsaid. Adam sobbed softly and covered his face with both hands. Ronan felt even more like crap, he wanted to kick something, he wanted to go outside and drive. But chances were Kavinsiky would be out there as well. He hated knowing that Kavinsiky was out there, doing whatever the fuck he wanted, as if nothing had happened. While Adam stood in Monmouth’s pathetic excuse of a bathroom/kitchen, crying his eyes out. Knowing that what had happened to him, had simply been a message. Adam had just been a tool to anger Ronan.

“Not that I blame you,” Adam said.

“What the fuck Parrish-“

Adam held up his hand, he bit his lip and shook his head, this time he didn’t bother to wipe away the tears. His eyes were red, the skin around them was red, his face was pale, he looked like absolute shit.

“What I meant… was… not now.” Adam said, “If you ever want to talk… about it, I’ll listen. Just… not now, give me some time.”

“It wasn’t like I was planning on telling you anyway,” Ronan said, “I… _hell_ , I only just figured it out myself. I didn’t-… I’ve just come to accept it.” He got a hand over his shaved head. He knew Adam was staring at him, “That fucker-… I never even told him. I just- he must have caught me staring and well-…” he shrugged, “I thought I was pretty subtle.”

“You were to me,” Adam confessed, he offered Ronan a watery smile, “I thought you hated me.”

“You know I don’t.” Ronan frowned.

“You called me trailer trash just last week!” Adam raised his voice.

This time Ronan did punch something, he hit the cabinet behind Adam. Adam flinched away, he used his entire body, he both stumbled away while holding up both arms in defense. Ronan knew he messed up, knew it in the way Adam appeared to be even more furious. Furious at himself for showing Ronan he’d been afraid.

“Yeah, because I was mad at you!” Ronan snapped back, “Because you have fucking attitude problems!”

Adam scoffed, “That’s rich coming from you,”

“Oh, fuck off Parrish,”

Adam’s gaze hardened, “Fine.” He pushed Ronan out of his way and fumbled with the lock, it was an old one, both Ronan and Gansey rarely used it because it often refused to budge.

“Don’t act stupid, Parrish.” Ronan said.

Adam managed to unlock the door, “No, fuck you!” he said and opened the door. “I shouldn’t have stayed here in the first place,”

“Yes, you should have, you can barely walk!” he said. He hadn’t paid attention at first, but now he saw the way Adam swayed if he wasn’t holding on to anything. He saw it in the way Adam had trouble keeping his gaze focused. He felt it when Adam pushed him away, how his grip wasn’t nearly as strong enough as it used to be. He saw it in the way Adam’s hands trembled.

“Well too bad! ‘Cuz I’m leaving.” He walked back into the room, except he almost lost his balance and stumbled over his own feet. Gansey immediately rushed towards him, but it was Ronan who was there first. He grabbed Adam’s wrist, which only led to Adam pulling away as if he’d been burned, eyes wide.

“Don’t touch me.” Adam said, then in the same breath, he turned to Gansey and asked for a ride back home.

Gansey glanced at Ronan, then back at Adam, his gaze fell on Adam’s bruised eye, then slowly traveled down. “I… don’t think that’s…” his voice faltered, “Oh Adam…” his gaze fell on Adam’s bare throat.

Adam’s hand shot up, he touched his neck. His eyes were wide open, the look he gave Ronan was one of utter betrayal.

Ronan moved fast, he pushed Gansey out of the way. This time he warned Adam when he touched him, he dragged him towards the stairs, back towards Ronan’s room. Adam stumbled over the stairs, he had trouble keeping up and once they were safe inside Ronan’s room, Adam was already out of breath. Gasping for air while leaning heavily against the door.

Ronan heard him heave, he cursed and frantically looked around his room. His gaze fell on his trashcan, overflowing with junk. He ran towards it, emptied it on his floor and returned to Adam’s side.

Adam was covering his mouth.

He threw up the moment Ronan handed him the trashcan. Ronan gently helped him down, until they both sat down on the ground, the bucket smelled, Ronan grimaced but said nothing. He pushed it away once Adam was done and they sat side to side on the ground, their backs leaning against the door.

Adam groaned, “I’m sorry…” he said.

“You’re staying.” And that was final.

Adam didn’t say anything in response to that. Instead he chose to point out the obvious, “God, your room fucking smells, Lynch.”

“Yeah, thanks captain obvious.” Ronan snorted.

“Why me… Ronan?”

This made Ronan quiet, he glared at the wall in front of him, “I thought you didn’t want to talk about it, Parrish.” He said.

Adam nodded, “I don’t know what I want anymore.” He whispered

 

* * *

 

He no longer knew what he wanted. He wanted to move on and pretend none of it happened. He didn’t want what had happened to control his life from now on. But he felt stuck, his body was begging him to take a break. His mind was a mess, it kept making up new lists of stuff he still needed to take care off, it also asked him to sleep and never wake up. Adam wanted to forget, he wanted to do everything at once, so that he could stop thinking.  

Ronan told him to take a step back.

“Just for a short while,” he told Adam. Adam watched him clean up his bed, his strong arms helped him back up, they guided him back towards the bed. Adam crawled back under the sheets, he didn’t sleep. Instead he watched Ronan clean up the rest of his room.

When Ronan left, it wasn’t for long. He returned with breakfast after a ten-minute fight with Gansey. While Adam couldn’t hear what they were talking about, he didn’t have to think hard about what it was. Ronan returned alone, he handed Adam his soup and some bread, he put two bottles of water on his nightstand along with a glass of juice.

“You’re spoiling me, Lynch.” he said.

“Yeah well… don’t get used to it. I have a reputation to hold.”

Adam snorted, he ate from his soup. He knew he was eating slow, his stomach still felt weak, he feared that if ate too much or too fast, he’d throw up again. “You’re actually a great cook…” he then commented.

“Don’t get used to that either.” Ronan drank straight from his bowl, when he was finished, he put it on his nightstand. He said nothing for a while, Adam caught him fidgeting from the corner of his eyes. He allowed it to happen for a few minutes before giving in, placing his half empty bowl next to Ronan’s, he sighed, “What?”

Ronan frowned, “Gansey is crying downstairs.” He said.

Adam nodded.

“You uhm.. looked pretty miserable when you left the bathroom,”

“Thanks,” like he didn’t fucking remember.

Ronan glared at him, “I didn’t mean it like that! I just… Gansey saw you like that, okay? Noah too! They saw you like that after you’ve been trying to convince them you’re fine… but you’re not, fucking obviously! You just proved that to them.”

“You’re terrible at this.”

Ronan agreed with him, “Noah is better at this.”

“Yeah… he is.” Adam nodded, he swallowed and looked down at the food on his lap.

Ronan sighed, “So why me?” he asked. “Why are you only letting me in?”

“Because I didn’t want them to find out.” Because he trusted Ronan to keep his secret. It had been his own mistake that they found out. Adam knew this. He was no longer mad about that, instead he just felt tired. His mind unwillingly brought him back to that night, when Kavinsiky had left, back to that short moment when he thought he’d come back. He’d been so relieved it was Ronan, he could almost cry. Except, then he realized it was _Ronan_ , and that Ronan could see what had happened to him.

“Because you were the one who found me…” he added, “Because he hurt you too…”

“It’s not the fucking same.”

“He would have…” Adam said, “If he didn’t respect you so much.” He knew, by the look Ronan was giving him that his friend understood what he’d just said. It was rather obvious too, Kavinsiky had no respect for Adam. He saw dirt, when he looked at him. Trailer trash. Broken, poor, ‘mommy and daddy didn’t love me enough’, that kind of thing. Adam knew many others saw him like that. Using Adam like that meant nothing to him.

No one looked at Ronan like that. They looked at him in awe, with respect. People often even feared him. Ronan was a force not to be messed with. Adam was just… Adam.

“Adam,” the way Ronan said it, it sounded like so much more. Adam wanted to believe him. Instead he nodded towards the door and told Ronan Gansey was allowed to enter if he wanted to. Ronan nodded, he stood up and left. He didn’t even bother to go down, just shouted at Gansey that he could come up.

They could both hear their friend all but run towards Ronan room. When Gansey entered, he looked even more a mess. He sat down on the bed and stared at Adam, eyes wide.

“Can we…” Adam started, he hated how fragile he sounded, he hated to feel weak and pathetic, he thought he could move past that once he left the trailer park, instead here he was again, with a body covered in bruises and a mind ready to snap the moment he lost control, “Can we not… talk about it?” he asked.

Gansey breathed in loudly, he looked tense, but he offered Adam a small smile, “Of course, anything.”

Adam was grateful to have him as a friend.

“Tell me about your dead boyfriend instead.” Adam said, he was getting tired again. Ronan stood in the doorway, his arms crossed, he scoffed.

Gansey hesitated only for a moment, before nodding and listing off facts about Glendower. He didn’t deny Adam calling Glendower Gansey’s boyfriend, probably too wrapped up in everything that was happening. Adam smiled softly, Gansey started talking about the influence of the church back in the good old days. He spoke of other Welsh kings, of the English wanting to rule the world. He spoke of the Scottish independence, anything, to keep himself from asking Adam questions he did not want to answer.

Adam fell asleep when Gansey started talking about queen Elisabeth the first. He dreamt of kings and thieves, of magicians and sword fights. He dreamt of Gansey sitting on a throne with Blue by his side.

The dream became to fade once Adam opened his eyes, it was late in the afternoon. When he turned on his back, he noticed someone else was lying next to next him. He rubbed his eyes and turned his head to his left, Ronan had fallen asleep next to him. His face was turned towards Adam, his hand curled up in a fist lay between them.

“Don’t wake him up, please.” Gansey said, he sat on the end of Ronan’s bed. His journal lay open on his lap. He offered Adam a small smile, it didn’t reach his eyes. “Hungry?” Gansey asked.

“You should sleep,” Adam said.

Gansey offered a tight-lipped smile in response, it was obvious why he hadn’t slept yet. Too busy worrying over Adam. Adam sighed, he still felt tired, he felt it tugging at him. He dropped his head back on the soft pillow and sighed, “You can sleep here.” He said, “Ronan’s bed is big enough.”

Gansey didn’t say anything, but he heard Noah, even though he hadn’t seen him, “Sleep, I’ll watch over you.”

Adam thought about commenting how that was kind of creepy. He didn’t, instead he closed his eyes and pulled the sheets up to his shoulders. He fell asleep not soon after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, thanks to everyone who left kudos! I know this isn't a very happy story, I know it's very dark. But I was kind of hoping for a bit more feedback tho? Please leave a comment, I'd love hear your thoughts!! In the end, it's reviews that'll keep an author motivated to write. (Yes even me, even though I probably suck... but uh yeah,) Thanks for reading!  
> 


	3. Chapter 3

Ronan was exhausted. He could barely keep his eyes open, even the smallest sound pissed him off. He'd been staring at Gansey frantically looking up webpages for more than two hours. The laptop was faced away from Ronan, so that he couldn't read which topics he was looking up. Not that he would have tried, really, since everything turned blurry the moment he tried to focus on it longer than two seconds. But he could take a wild guess, and by wild guess he meant he'd probably be spot on the moment he tried. Because Gansey was really that fucking obvious.

The whole reason Adam hadn't commented on it yet was either because he was still living in a stage of stubborn denial, desperately latching on to that last part of normality. Or he really hadn't noticed. The second option troubled Ronan more then he liked to admit.

While Ronan prides himself in being the complete opposite of Richard Campbell Gansey  _the third_ , he too was guilty of using google for the exact same purpose as Gansey was doing now. For example, it had been Ronan that came to the conclusion Adam most likely had a concussion and that the only real cure for that was bedrest. Something Adam had disagreed with the moment he said it. If it hadn't been for Noah stopping him, the argument would have escalated. Shouting at someone with a concussion was apparently a huge no-no.

Then Ronan had looked up the part he'd been wanting to ignore. The part, Adam would have definitely thrown a fit about if he'd found out Ronan researched it. He'd only went over them quickly, just thinking about it pissed him off bad enough to start throwing shit.

He'd gone back to concussions after, because he needed to compare the two together. Apparently being emotional as fuck was both a response to trauma as a concussion. Many clinical sites suggested that if the symptoms of the concussion didn't disappear after ten days max, he'd have to call a doctor. Except many of those symptoms were the same as when once experienced something traumatic. Then Ronan ended up finding out Adam might have a bad case of PTSD that he's been suppressing for years. Also, apparently it was normal for people with bad hearing to lose their balance as well because it's all controlled from your ears. Who would have fucking guessed. Adam bumping into things days after he moved out of the trailer park suddenly made a lot more sense.

Somewhere in the back of his head, a nagging voice told him he should have stayed with Adam and listened to the doctor. Even though he wasn't family and he'd probably have caused a scene if they kept refusing. Adam had been pretty out of it too back then, had he paid attention when they started listing off everything that happens to someone who loses their hearing?

It was at that moment, Gansey decided to speak up, "I think he might have PTSD, I mean… I'm not a doctor but…" he trailed off while frowning at his illuminated screen. His glasses hung low on his nose and his hair had turned into a bird's nest, one so badly crafted even Chainsaw wouldn't want to nest in it. He was still in his pajamas, when Ronan cast a quick look at the clock, it became obvious Gansey wasn't planning on going to school today either.

"Yeah, don't need google to figure that shit out." Ronan grumbled from his spot on the couch.

Gansey looked up at him, "Ronan," he said, voice soft and insecure. Ronan's head snapped up immediately, for a moment he saw black spots. Gansey gave him a disapproving stare, but for once didn't comment on it, his insomnia had skyrocketed the moment he found out Adam might have gotten hurt.  _Again._  " _How could this happen? He should have been safe! After everything that's happened…"_ Gansey demanded.  _"I don't fucking know_." Ronan had shouted back at him.

"Ronan, I still think we should call a doctor."

Ronan didn't respond. He rubbed his eyes and bit back the nausea that came from only sleeping two or three hours the last two days. Fuck he really needed to catch up on same sleep. The nightmares had gotten worse lately. He barely dared to let himself fall asleep, worried that he might bring something with him that could hurt Adam or Gansey.

Maybe he should go to St. Agnes and sleep there for a bit, he had to drop by there anyway to pick up some of Adam's stuff. He hasn't stopped fussing about borrowing Ronan's clothes and catching up on homework the moment he could stand for five minutes straight without throwing up. Which was, on Wednesday.

Today was Thursday. There was no way in hell he was going to let Adam hurt himself even more by forcing himself to do homework even though his brain obviously needed a break. Most of the time, Adam just slept. Gansey had managed to give Adam an entire week off of school and work and while it had been obvious Adam had a hard time accepting this, it was for the best. There wasn't much work that could be done in the state he was in anyway.

Ronan then caught himself wondering how Adam had done it before. He'd seen Adam skip school to hide his bruises back when he still lived with his parents. But he still went to work. What did Adam do when the injuries were too big?

The same small voice in the back of his mind told him, Adam probably ignored it and went on with life as if a throbbing headache and nausea just belonged to the job.

"No seriously, did you know he could get an infection? Or like his throat, he definitely should have a doctor look at that. His eyes were bloodshot, Ronan. Have you heard his voice? It sounded terrible! Like a smoker's voice." Gansey rambled on.

Ronan's headache got worse the more Gansey talked.

"Dick." It was the only thing he managed to say through his gritted teeth.

Gansey for once, immediately shut up. His eyes wide open and alert as he stared at Ronan. Ronan gave him one last warning look and then got up from the sofa, he staggered back to the stairs and with lots of difficulty managed to get himself upstairs. Gansey had followed him and hovered at the end of the stairs, unsure if he should reach out to help. If he would have, Ronan would have probably snapped.

Going back to his room, though, was a huge mistake. His body took over and worked on automatic. He shucked off his pants and dropped dead on the bed.

Too late he remembered someone else was still in it.

He cursed and at the same time, Adam sat up straight. Eyes wide in shock, a soft gasp escaped his lips. Then his gaze fell on Ronan, who'd also sat up and trying to offer some sort of apology. But it was mostly just a string of curses.

Adam's eyes were bloodshot. Just like Gansey pointed out.

Ronan probably didn't look much better.

"Oh…" Adam's shoulders slumped. "You can have the bed if you want to."

"How generous," Ronan snorted. He then rubbed his hands over his face again, quickly trying to think of a solution. He really needed to catch up on some sleep. He was still scared of taking something with him, but by now, he was pretty sure he'd just black out for a couple of hours because his brain was that exhausted to come up with something new.

"No… it's fine, let me just…" Adam slumped forward a bit.

Ronan gently shoved him back, "It's fine, Parrish. Don't get your knickers in a twist. I'll sleep on the floor," he said while at the same time crawling off the bed, to his makeshift bed next to his own. He should have just crashed on Gansey's bed. It wasn't like he was going to use it anyway.

"I said it's fine. I should wake up anyway." Adam protested.

"It's fuck o'clock in the morning, lie down Parrish, Jesus Mary fuck," he grumbled.

Adam looked tired still. Ronan wondered if after all these years, that was just Adam's permanent look. His body had gotten used to being tired, it no longer knew how to look awake.

"Why are you starting drama at this hour?" Ronan said, eyes narrowed, he was really losing his temper. He needed to sleep.

"Because it's your bed!" Adam raised his voice, by the grimace on his face, Ronan could tell that had been a mistake. He was too tired for this, he shot some weak comeback in return, which Adam returned with a much better one, which was remarkable really, knowing that Adam only just now woken up. By then of course, Ronan was seriously considering just pushing Adam out of the window.

In the end, the conversation ended when Ronan all but passed out on his bed. He woke up hours later, in his own bed, the spot next to him cold.

 

* * *

 

Later that day Adam insisted that he wanted to go back to St. Agnes. Which ended up in a fight with both Ronan and Gansey, one that left him so exhausted at the end, he could barely stand up straight. When Noah kindly offered to help him sit down, the look Adam send him could have killed, if it weren't for Noah already being dead.

Gansey for once refused to give up and insisted on going to the hospital. When Adam kept refusing, Ronan broke the ice, "He might have an STD." aside from Adam's breakdown in the middle of the night more than a day ago, neither of them had mentioned the elephant in the room.

Gansey gaped at Ronan with mouth wide open. Ronan looked like he might punch something. His words had left an impact though, Adam shut-up right away. He'd curled up into himself while Noah anxiously hovered around him.

Ronan grabbed his keys and left, he slammed the door on his way out. They could hear him cursing loudly while heading downstairs. Gansey cast a nervous look at his friend. At the bruises that had begun to fade, but were obviously still there. He looked at Noah, kind and patient Noah who placed a gentle hand on Adam's shoulder. It was the first time Gansey ever saw Adam lean into someone's touch.

"I… I could call someone?" Gansey offered, he wanted this to be the last time they discussed doctors. He wanted to stop fighting with Adam, he wanted Adam to rest and get well. He wanted to go back to Abligony, knowing that Adam would be there too. He wanted Adam to look tired because of his too busy agenda, not because he was emotionally exhausted and most likely traumatized.

Adam nodded. Noah looked up to check if Gansey had noticed. Gansey had, he nodded as well and reached for his phone. He first looked up which doctors lived nearby and visited at home, then called the first name on his list. He headed outside as well, he figured Adam didn't want to listen to this conversation.

The doctor was a woman, her voice was pleasant as she answered her phone. Gansey thought of leaving some details out of the story. He thought of Adam, curled up on the sofa. How defeated he'd looked when Ronan dropped the bomb.

But Gansey had always been told to be as honest as possible with your doctors, that way they could give you the help you needed.

It was ridiculous, how at that precise moment, he also remembered how small Henrietta really was. His mind wandered back to a discussion he'd overheard not so long ago while shopping for toilet paper at a local supermarket. An old couple, walking past him, the slurs they had used to talk about a guy they knew who dated someone of the same sex. Gansey thought of Ronan, Ronan confessing to him that he never wanted to tell Adam about his feelings. It had been late, Adam had been sleeping and they'd both been up due their amnesia.

"Hello, are you still there?" the doctor asked.

Gansey shook his head,  _pull yourself together_ , "Ah, pardon me, ma'am… I just… don't know where to begin… You see, I wasn't there when it happened."

When she informed him, she'd have to talk to Adam as well, he hummed, he tried to explain to her that Adam probably wouldn't want to talk. She was a professional, she must have seen some stuff in her career, he hoped, this could make the progress at least a bit easier. He told her everything he knew, which wasn't much. Ronan knew more, perhaps he could let him talk to her before seeing Adam.

She didn't make any crude comments, she sounded troubled by the story itself. She agreed to stop by Monmouth later that day, "How does five p.m sound?" she offered.

"Five sounds excellent." he said, he dully noticed how tired he sounded and got a hand through his messy hairdo.

 

.

.

.

 

Five p.m. didn't sound excellent to Adam. He visibly paled once Gansey informed him of this. He said nothing, Noah offered to make warm chocolate, which Adam refused.

Noah ignored him. He got up and disappeared into their bathroom/kitchen. Soon, Gansey's apartment smelled like chocolate. Adam breathed in through his nose, eyes on Gansey as he took a seat on the other end of the sofa.

"I'm sure she'll find nothing," Gansey said. He knew he didn't sound very convincing. Adam didn't appreciate him lying, his mouth became a thin line, but he didn't comment on it. Gansey was already glad that he left Ronan's room longer than twenty minutes. The TV was on National Geographic, a documentary was playing about World War one. Adam had no clothes at Monmouth, so he still borrowed Ronan's clothes. It was quite a sight, seeing Adam in expensive designer shirts and sweatpants. The colors were too dark on Adam, the clothes too big, they always made him look smaller and paler then he really was.

Today, Adam had even bothered to brush his hair. It no longer looked like a mess, Gansey noticed that Adam was slowly trying to go on.

Earlier that day Adam had send a mail to their teachers, apologizing for his absence and asking if there was anything he could do until he could return. Their Latin teacher send him a list of new verbs, their math teacher send him four sheets of homework, their history teacher told him to read chapter seven and eight… the list went on and on.

Ronan had been reading over Adam's shoulder, he'd scoffed and told Adam "Not fucking likely. You have a concussion, you need to fucking rest." Adam reminded him about his scholarship. Ronan had looked like he wanted to strangle him.

Gansey thought that Ronan didn't look very in love with Adam when he spoke to him like that. Then he hated himself for thinking like that. Now wasn't an appropriate time. _Would it ever?_ Gansey thought miserably while rubbing his thumb over his lower lip.

He hated how miserable Adam looked right now, just last week, he'd laughed at a joke Ronan had told him. It had been a terrible one, Gansey had wanted to scold him for his inappropriate humor, but when hearing Adam laugh he'd shut up right away. Blue had been there, she had rolled her eyes but smiled.

She sat next to Adam back then, but her gaze had often wandered to Gansey. Gansey had smiled back at her, polite and pleasant. She'd frowned and they both pretended not to feel guilty when Adam turned towards her to ask a question, he'd looked tired back then, but he'd been smiling. Which was good, Gansey had feared that after their trip to D.C, Adam would distance himself from them even more.

Noah returned with two warm mugs of chocolate, he even put marshmallows in them. Adam took his mug with a small smile, muttering a soft thank you even though he told Noah he didn't want the treat earlier. Gansey took the other mug from Noah and thanked him as well.

They drank in silence, Adam gazed with bored eyes at the documentary. When it finished, they watched the program that came after, until Noah got bored and grabbed Gansey's laptop to download something. He chose a comedy that Gansey had never heard of, he connected the laptop to their smart TV and put the movie on.

The movie didn't make Adam laugh, Noah looked disappointed at this. Gansey felt sympathy for him, just like Noah, he kept glancing at Adam. Every time something funny happened on the screen, they'd anxiously glance at Adam. Adam's face remained indifferent. He often turned his gaze away from the screen, he'd stir his chocolate as if this was much more interesting than the movie. Which it probably was… by the looks of it. When Adam sighed, they'd both look up and wait for him to say something. Nothing came, Adam drank from his chocolate. He had a distant look in his eyes.

Halfway through the movie, Ronan returned. He held up grocery bags and a small duffle bag that looked slightly familiar. Ronan threw a pair of keys on Adam's lap, when Adam looked at him, he narrowed his eyes, "Why do you have my keys?"

"Because I was picking up your shit, that's why." He said and held up the duffle bag. As if Adam would accept that response and leave it there. Noah winced next to Gansey.

"If you'd just let me go back, you wouldn't have to drop by my place. You shouldn't have done that in the first place! I don't want you there when I'm not."

"Safe it for someone who cares, Parrish." Ronan replied.

"No, fuck you. Listen to me," Adam put his mug on the coffee table and got up, he no longer needed someone to help him, but he sometimes still lost his balance. Adam used the sofa to keep his balance, "You could at least ask!"

"Yes, well I didn't." Ronan said, he threw his jacket on the pool table, "Now shut-up Parrish, sit down." he pointed at the empty table meant for eating dinner. It rarely got used, Ronan got books out of the duffle bag. Gansey recognized their history book, followed by Latin, followed by Math, followed by English-… Adam's eyes widened. He then walked towards the desk, he curiously rummaged through the bag. His shoulders slumped, "Thanks…" he muttered, rather sheepishly.

"You're fucking welcome," Ronan said, "Now here's the deal. I'll help you," when Adam wanted to protest, Ronan held up his hand, "Yes, yes, I am. I googled what to do when you have a concussion and guess what you soggy chicken nugget," he said while poking Adam's chest, "You're actually not allowed to do any of this shit." He said, "So we're gonna sit down, I'm gonna do the reading, you just give me the correct answers, and the moment your head starts to hurt or you feel even more worse then you already do," he said this while looking Adam up and down, Adam who still looked like he'd died and come back, "You tell me and we  _stop_."

Adam looked absolutely flabbergasted, "I can't just-"

"I don't give a flying fuck." Ronan didn't even let him finish his argument. He pushed the duffle bag off the table, Adam watched it fall on the ground with a defeated expression. Gansey wanted to get mad at Ronan for being so rude. What Adam needed right now was peace and quiet, Ronan talking to him like that probably didn't do much good. That's what he thought. Adam sat down, Ronan handed him a pen and took the seat next to him, Adam grabbed their Latin book first. Ronan immediately snatched it out of his hands and opened it to the first page of many their teacher had instructed them to catch up on.

Noah left Gansey's side and joined them, Gansey followed, Adam's eyes followed him until he sat down. He didn't say anything, Ronan pushed the book between them and started reading out loud.

Gansey reached for the other books, he started organizing. Ronan had just thrown everything in one bag. He even went to the copy-shop, Gansey noted when he saw Adam's email printed out along with all the other documents their teachers had send.

He put everything together and wrote on post-it notes what Adam had to do. When this was finished, he started on their math homework. Ronan said that Adam wasn't allowed to overwork himself, he'd seen Adam get tired just by raising his voice. For now, his friend would just have to copy his homework until he'd get better.

Ronan would have been happy with a gift like this.

Gansey knew, Adam would not. When he looked up at them, Noah had decided he wanted to help as well. He made notes while Ronan read, so that all Adam had to do was listen. Sometimes his eyes would drift to Noah's notes, before returning back to the book that lay between him and Ronan. They sat close to each other, both bend over the book. Ronan's voice was pleasant to listen to.

Adam met his gaze, Gansey breathed in. When Adam's gaze fell on his homework, he said nothing. He tried to smile but failed miserably. Adam turned his attention back to Ronan. It was his way of saying thank you, Gansey felt his chest ache and eyes burn. He swallowed and turned his attention back to his homework.

"It's been a while since I've last had Latin," Noah said.

They looked at him with a somber look, Noah shrugged as if it didn't matter. "I still hate it." He added.

"You don't have to help," Adam said, his voice was soft and he was trying to be gentle. Gansey smiled softly, happy to see he was at least trying to accept their help. Noah shook his head and told Ronan to go on. Ronan gave him an unimpressed look, he then continued to read.

When he was done, he asked Adam something in Latin. It came out smooth, the same way he'd curse in English. To Ronan, Latin was like a second native-language. Gansey struggled with translating it to, " _Do you want to go on_?"

Adam nodded, Ronan raised both eyebrows. Adam glared at him, he thought only for a second before responding in Latin, "Yes, I'm certain I want to go on." It was apparently, the sort of response Ronan had been looking for. He closed their Latin book and reached for history.

Adam quickly reviewed the notes Noah had written, then smiled softly at him. Noah had asked him if they were alright, "Yeah… I-it's good, they're perfect, thanks." He took the papers, eyes quickly scanning over them before he handed them over to Ronan who put them on top of their Latin book.

Ronan started reading again.

Noah at some point got up to grab drinks. Soda for Adam and Ronan, orange juice for Gansey. He also put two bags of chips on the table and opened them, when Ronan reached for one, Adam frowned at him, "I don't want greasy finger stains on my books." He said.

"They're already damaged," Ronan replied.

Adam rubbed his temples, "Ronan." Was his simple response.

"I'll be careful," he promised.

Adam stared at him for a moment, then he nodded. History went a bit slower, Ronan often stopped so that he could chew. When he was done, they read the questions at the end of their chapter, Adam was slow in responding, he too ate from the chips and refused to talk with his mouth full. Adam could even make eating with your hands look graceful. When Ronan got too impatient, Adam would cover his mouth before responding while still eating. He'd roll his eyes at Ronan's frown, they didn't fight.

Noah made a few bad puns about Napoleon, when Adam huffed out a breath of amusement, Noah beamed with pride. Ronen looked back down, reading another question out loud. At the same moment, Adam's smile faded and got replaced by a blank stare. His eyes glassed over, Gansey furrowed his brow.

When Adam turned his head to the left, Noah put a hand on his shoulder. Startled, Adam sucked in a deep breath, his eyes wide as he looked at Noah. "How about a break?" Noah offered.

Ronan's head shot up, Gansey held his breath, afraid that Adam would shake his head. Ronan looked tense, ready to argue. But none of that happened, Adam's shoulders slumped, he leaned back into his chair, "It's not that… It's…" he glanced at Gansey.

"Cabeswater?" he asked, their trip to D.C seemed so long ago, it had only been a few weeks.

Adam nodded.

"Sounds exhausting," Ronan said and slammed their history book shut. He checked the time, "Can we order something for dinner tonight? I don't feel like cooking." He said.

"Dawww, but I like your cooking." Noah pouted.

Ronan glared at him, "You don't even eat, you fuckweasel."

Adam seemed to have tuned them out. Instead he turned in his seat so he was fully facing Gansey, he reached for his math homework. Gansey's gaze trailed down to his hands, he stared at the scabs on Adam's hand, then at the many old scars scattered around his hand trailing up towards his wrist and arm. Adam pulled the papers away from Gansey so he could look at them. He only had them for a few seconds before Ronan snatched them out of his hands. This time, Adam did open his mouth,

"Give it back."

"I said no forcing yourself." Ronan said.

Adam glared at him, Gansey exchanged a tired look with Noah, "I'm not!" Adam snapped. At the same time, he grimaced and reached for his head.

Ronan scoffed, "You used to be better at lying, Parrish. You've gotten sloppy lately." He overstepped. Gansey knew Ronan realized this too late, the words had already left his mouth. Adam was furious, his hands balled into fists, his mouth had turned into a thin line. But instead of shouting at him, Adam stood up fast and marched away. His chair clattered on the floor. None of them moved as they watched Adam grow even more furious at the fact that he had nowhere to go. It was obvious he didn't want to go to Ronan's room because he was mad at him, he couldn't go to the bathroom because that was behind him and would look stupid.

In the end, Adam just stood with his back towards them, close to the windows, while staring outside. His shoulders tense as he wrapped his arms around himself. The next breath he took, sounded wobbly.

Gansey heard him sniff. He send a furious look at Ronan, Ronan gave him one of his famous disinterested looks, Gansey wasn't fooled by it.

When he looked back at Adam, he saw him furiously wipe at his face.

"It's the concussion," Noah whispered before Gansey even thought of it. Because Adam never got this emotional. Adam got angry, he had different ways of getting angry. With Ronan, they often ended up shouting at each other until one of them left, slamming the door so loud the entire building shook. With Gansey, Adam argued until they both ran out of words. Then Adam would go and ignore him for as long as he needed to calm down. Gansey hated fighting with Adam.

The only time Gansey ever saw Adam close to crying was after he pressed charges against his dad. Even then, he'd fought hard to push the tears away.

Ronan rubbed his forehead.

The doorbell rang.

Gansey checked the time on his phone, it read 17.04pm, his eyes widened. He met Ronan's troubled gaze, "Is that…?" Ronan asked.

"Must be," Gansey sighed, he removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He heard Ronan get up and head towards the door, he left it open and went downstairs. The moment he left, Adam went for the bathroom. He moved fast, Gansey saw him wiping at his face when he walked past. Adam didn't slow down when walking past him. The door slammed shut behind him.

The doctor, Elena Jones walked in behind Ronan. She looked around their apartment with a polite smile, when she spotted Gansey she walked towards him and held out her hand.

"Doctor Elena Jones," she said.

"Gansey, we spoke on the phone." He said and shook her hand. He was glad he'd at least bothered to get dressed today, a simple pair of jeans and a plain white shirt. Doctor Jones nodded, she looked around again, searching for Adam. She didn't see Noah, leaning against a wall, facing them both with a serene look.

"Where is he?" she asked then, her voice kind and patient.

Ronan looked around as well, when he looked at his bedroom door then back to Gansey, Gansey shook his head. "He's hiding in the bathroom." Ronan said, he put both hands in the pocket of his sweatpants.

"Is there anywhere private I could talk to him?" she asked then.

"Yeah, the bathroom." Ronan replied unkindly.

Gansey stared at him in disapprovement, Ronan narrowed his eyes at him then turned his back and headed back upstairs. He muttered something under his breath.

"You can just talk here," Gansey offered, "We'll be upstairs." He offered her a smile which she kindly returned. Then he asked for a moment so that he could head towards the bathroom. He knocked, Adam didn't respond. Gansey expected as much, "Adam… the doctor is here… could you," he felt so unsure, his thumb brushed over his bottom lip while he cast a nervous glance at doctor Jones waiting in the center of the room. "Please come out,"  _you agreed to this_.

When Adam opened the door, he didn't meet his gaze. His eyes were red, he had tried to make it less obvious that he'd cried by throwing water at his face, his hair had gotten slightly wet and some droplets fell on his shirt, leaving dark spots.

Doctor Jones didn't come to him, she waited until Adam walked towards her. She shook hands with him, then stared at Gansey. Gansey nodded, "Call me if you need something." He told them.

"We will, thank you, Gansey." She nodded.

She didn't speak until Gansey closed the door behind his back. Ronan's room was clean, he lay on his back on his bed, Noah sat next to him. Both were quiet, "This is probably going to take a while," Gansey said.

Noah grimaced.

Ronan scowled.

 

* * *

 

Doctor Elena Jones, that's how she'd introduced herself. She politely asked if they could sit on the sofa, Adam had felt awkward about giving her permission. This wasn't his place, he rarely felt at home at Monmouth. Still he'd nodded and watched her take a seat, he followed her example.

She put her Gladstone bag on the coffee table, "Alright before we begin I need you to fill in this medical file," she said, she opened her bag and rummaged through it. When She found the papers, she handed them over together with a pen.

Adam used the coffee table to write down his basic information; name, age, address, allergies…. When he was done, she smiled and took the papers from him. Quickly going over them, "No allergies?"

"Not that I know of." He said. He fumbled with the hem of shirt.

"Alright, Adam," She said, "Your friend, Gansey, told me a bit about your situation," she straightened her back and put the papers down. "I'm really sorry for this, but I'd like for you tell me the whole story. Where were you hit, what exactly happened and what's happened after?"

He felt something heavy weight down his stomach, when he looked at her, her eyes were big but her smile had faded. She was serious, for which he was both grateful and anxious. Humiliation burned on his cheeks, he knew that if his dad ever caught wind of this he'd be more than furious. Adam had dreamt of him, had dreamt of the slurs being thrown at his head. He'd woken up gasping for breath, the memory of hands wrapped around his throat fresh on his mind. Ronan hadn't woken up, Adam hadn't had the heart to wake him up and ask for a distraction. He hadn't slept much after that.

Doctor Jones nodded, "He said you were hit by a car, is this correct?" her gaze fell on the scabs on Adam's hands and arms. Adam nodded, there was a lump in his throat. Talking hurt, he could feel tears burning in his eyes, he pushed them back and swallowed, which hurt.

"Where were you hit, Adam?" she asked.

He barely registered that he'd moved his right arm to gesture at his left side, at the huge bruise, an ugly painting of purple starting to fade into a mixture of green and yellow. When she asked him if she could see, he swallowed, the only person who'd seen all of his bruises was Ronan. He had wanted to keep it that way.

He obliged and slowly rolled up his shirt so that she could check out the bruise, she stared at it, when she asked for permission to touch, he nodded and let her prod around it. It didn't hurt as much as a few days ago, Ronan's ointment had really helped. "Looks like it's healing well, nothing broken." She said. "You're a bit on the thin side, has this always been this way or did you lose weight after the accident?" she asked.

"Always," he said, his mind went back to the empty fridge in St. Agnes, he hadn't had money to go grocery shopping that week. He still had some noodles in his cupboard above his sink, he'd planned to survive on that until his next paycheck on Friday. He had to pick that one up tomorrow, he dully noted.

"You spaced out, do you do that often?" she asked.

He swallowed, not until he made a contract with a magical forest. He shook his head. She began asking more questions, she wrote down a list of words and let him read them, then he head to cover up the words and say as many as he remembered. When he didn't get farther then two of ten, she nodded again.

"What did you eat as lunch?"

He stared at her in confusion for a moment, before he realized what she meant. He remembered eating chips earlier, he knew lunch had been leftovers from a meal Ronan had made yesterday. Except, he couldn't remember what Ronan had made yesterday. Earlier, Gansey had made a joke about the food. Thinking too much about it only made his head hurt more, "Sandwiches," he remembered.

"With?"

There had been different flavors. He couldn't remember which one he'd taken. He shook his head.

"What about breakfast?" she asked.

"I woke up at noon."

"How long did you sleep?"

He furrowed his brow even deeper, "Uhm… long?" it hadn't even been dark yet, he remembered.

"How often did you sleep after the accident?" one question after another. When she realized how overwhelmed he felt, she gave him a sympathetic look. He wanted to get mad at her for that, instead he just felt tired. Ronan had exhausted him. "Your friend suspects you have a concussion," she says while grabbing her tools, "I believe he's right, you're having trouble walking?"

Again, he nodded. She handed him something, he reacted too slow. She dropped the pen on his lap.

"Your reflexes are slow." She said.

"You surprised me." he said.

"Want to do that again?" she smiled.

He shook his head and sighed. "Alright, how about a hearing test." She said and reached for her bag again.

"That won't work." He told her. "My hearing has been off… ever since I lost it in this ear." He said and pointed to his left ear. She nodded, a slight frown appeared on her face. Instead of reaching for the sound device, she checked his ears.

"Ah yes, I can see it." She said after checking his left ear, "It's not an old scar. Does it bother you?"

"It doesn't hurt." He said, it did bother him. Even before the concussion, he often felt out of balance. He hated that in a crowded place, he could never tell where all the sound came from. It came from everywhere; all the voices would overlap and none of it made sense. He hated that when people shouted his name, he'd turn around, not knowing where the sound came from.

He distantly remembered Kavinsiky's breath on his left ear, he flinched and covered his ear with his hand. Doctor Jones saw it. She was frowning, "Adam," she said, voice soft and careful. He knew what was coming. They'd checked all his bruises, she agreed about the concussion. There was only one thing left.

He saw her struggle with finding the right words. In the end, she sighed, "I need to know what happened," she said, "Adam… all of it." She repeated her words. He knew that this time, if he refused to speak, she'd have to use more direct words. She'd have to push him into the direction she needed him to be. He thought of Noah and Gansey, awkwardly dancing around the topic. He thought of Ronan's final push to convince him to call a doctor.

Adam started talking. He refused to look up, he kept fumbling with his shirt. He left Kavinsiky's name out of it, left the gun out of it, left out the part why it happened. He told her he got hit by a car, about getting hit with a cell phone, so hard he could hear the screen crack. About getting kicked in the stomach. She'd seen the bruises. She listened and asked questions if something was too vague.

He knew the bruises on his neck had begun to fade, they were still there but less obvious. One could almost overlook them. Doctor Jones could see them. She saw the fingerprints, the bite-marks. When his voice faltered, she allowed him to breathe. Only when the silence stretched on for too long, did she open her mouth, "Adam, there really is no nice way of saying this. So… I'll just go over it quick, like a band aid, okay?"

He wanted to shake his head. He wanted to ask her to leave, he wanted to get up and leave himself. Why had he agreed to this? Instead he nodded.

"Was there any penetration?"

He gasped softly, his nails dug into the palm of his hands, hard enough that it hurt. His face felt warm. All his life he'd felt like dirt, he grew up in a trailer-park, born out of dust, his hair the color of the dirt he belonged to. His dad had often reminded him about his place in the world. Adam felt lower than that right now, he no longer felt human. He was filthier then filth. The realization hit him hard.

Nodding his head made him almost believe it didn't happen to him. "Yes," it came out like a whimper. Adam took in a shuddering breath. He loathed himself.

"You're doing great, Adam." Doctor Jones told him, her voice was kind, "Did he use a condom?"

He tried to swallow the lump away, it didn't work. He rubbed his eyes and shook his head at the same time. He bit back a sob.

"Did he force you to have oral sex with him?"

He hated that he couldn't fight back the tears. He shook his head again,  _thank god, he didn't_ , Adam thought. He covered his mouth to muffle the sobs. Adam hated himself for feeling like this, even more so, he hated that right now, he wanted to call out Ronan's name.

Why was Ronan the first person whom he wanted to seek comfort from? It should have been Blue… except he was going to break up with Blue. It should have been Gansey, or Noah. Not Ronan who always managed to get under his skin. Who gave him headaches that could last for hours.

Ronan, who cooked for him, who slept on the ground so that Adam wouldn't have to wake up in a bed that wasn't his with someone lying next to him. Ronan who dreamt him something to make the bruises heal faster even though he was scared of the monsters that lived inside his head.

"I'm going to have to draw blood," she said, her voice kind.

He nodded, refused to talk.

"You don't have to answer this question since it's not medically related… but, are you going to press charges?" she asked.

He shook his head.

She began to work.

She took some of his blood, took a cheek swab and then asked for a urinal test. By that point, he no longer cared. He'd gotten past the humiliation and self-pity. He felt numb, the tears had stopped and her fingers touched his, he barely registered it before heading towards the bathroom.

"If it's HIV, you'll know in three days." She said when he handed it over. She put everything away and then told him his friends could join them again if he wanted them to. Except when he opened his mouth, not a sound came out. "Want me to call them?"

He slowly nodded his head.

She only knew Gansey's name, so that's the one she shouted. Ronan and Noah followed though.

Gansey was the only one who joined their sides completely, Ronan and Noah remained on the stairs. Doctor Jones stood, she grabbed her bag, "You were right about the concussion," she said, "He needs more rest, at least until Sunday, it might even last until Wednesday." She explained, she handed him the note she'd written down for school, telling them that she'd checked up on Adam and that he had to stay at home.

"He's not allowed to drive a car or ride a bike." She continued, "Keep an eye on him, if the symptoms get worse, call me or go to a hospital. No TV, no reading books… he needs absolute rest."

Adam heard Ronan mutter something to Noah.

Doctor Jones ignored him.

"He also says he has no phone and told me it was okay to call you if I get the results," to which Gansey made a surprised noise. Adam ignored everyone's stares.

"C-certainly," Gansey said. "O-one more question, doctor."

"Of course,"

"He's…" Gansey hesitated, when Adam looked up, he seemed even more anxious to continue. Gansey broke eye contact with him and returned his gaze towards doctor Jones, "He… he's been having mood swings."

Adam visibly paled. He grit his teeth in order not to lash out.

"That's normal behavior for someone with a concussion," Doctor Jones said, "It could also be because of the trauma after the assault," she coughed, "Your brain is overwhelmed right now, Adam." She addressed him, "Give it a few more days rest. If the symptoms don't disappear after another week, you can call me again. The brain is a complicated organ, it'll heal with time."

He tuned out the rest of the conversation.

When she left, Adam stood up and headed straight towards Ronan, he brushed past Noah. He didn't know what to say, he didn't need to. Ronan nodded and went back upstairs, letting Adam follow him.

Inside his room, he left the door open. It was Adam who closed it, Ronan just watched him but said nothing.

Adam felt drained. He sat down on the bed and it took him all his strength to stay upright. For a long time, they said nothing. Adam tried to swallow away the lump in his throat but it wouldn't disappear. It made breathing harder.

When he tried to take a deep breath, it wasn't enough. It felt like he was running out of air, every breath he took was too small. His vision became blurry, distantly he noticed that he was trembling and having even more trouble with staying seated. He felt a wave of terror slowly rush over him. Felt it building up and before he knew, it was all he could focus on. He hadn't felt this scared in a long time.

Ronan said something.

Adam was gasping for air by then. His chest hurt, his throat refused to open wide enough for him to breathe properly.

A door opened.

The sound of footsteps. He heard it all in flashes.

Then there was a pair of hands on his legs. "No, no, no-" he barely recognized his own voice. Desperately tried to push the hands away, his own felt useless and numb, they barely registered he was touching someone else. He tried to push them away but felt weak and powerless. He didn't want that.

He wanted it to stop.

Can't breathe.

"Stop, stop, stop-  _please_ ,"

"Adam." It was the first thing that fully got through him. When he looked up, through the blurriness and black spots he could see Gansey's troubled face. It was Gansey who he was trying to push away. It had been Gansey who'd tried to reach for him.

This time, instead of pushing him away he clung to him. His grip unsteady and slippery, he didn't know why it felt wet. Gansey grimaced but didn’t stop him, he held onto Adam's hands.

"It's me, you're here, in Ronan's room, in Monmouth." He said. He kept talking, told Adam to try and focus on something,  _anything_ , in the room. He couldn't. His vision kept swimming. He shut his eyes tightly and shook his head, desperately wishing the panic would just go away. It didn't, which only seemed to make it worse.

"Adam, I need you to try." Gansey said, "Open your eyes, tell me what you see."

Adam shook his head. His breathing came out fast and labored.

Gansey's grip on Adam's hands tightened, close to being painful. "Breathe with me Adam, listen to my breathing and try to match it." Gansey breathed loud and slow, he counted to three each time he breathed out. He tried to follow, but it took him too long. It felt like it would never stop. The panic had only just started to ebb away when he felt another wave crash down onto him.

"It's okay Adam, it's okay." Gansey pulled him back before it got too much out of hand. He did it again. He breathed in and out, loud. It seemed to last forever.

"Now try to open your eyes again,"

It took him a couple of tries, but when he managed to open them and they remained open, he saw everything all at once.

"Look at me Adam," Gansey said. "Just me," he kept breathing loudly, until Adam's breathing returned as close to normal as possible. It came out wobbly and wheezy.

Gansey's grip finally softened, he winced, Adam watched him slowly open his hands. He'd dug his nails in the palm of his hands, deep enough to draw blood, he then stared at Gansey's hands and saw the halfmoons, caused by his hands.

"Panick attacks can be a pain," Gansey said. He offered a small smile. Adam met his gaze, he opened his mouth, trying to say something but nothing came out. If he felt ashamed earlier, it was nothing compared to what he felt now. His friends had seen enough of him now. He felt bare, as if there was nothing left to hide. They'd literally seen him at his worst now.

He wanted to go back to St. Agnes, it was small, but at least it was his and private.

The bed dipped down next to him. Ronan held out his hand as a silent offer, Adam stared at it for a few seconds, his gaze fell on Ronan's leathered wristbands, at the scars hidden underneath them. Then he realized Ronan was waiting and slowly offered him his bloodied hands. He was still trembling, Gansey placed his own hands on his lap and didn't say anything. They both watched Ronan clean Adam's hands with a wet cloth and when that was done, he put the dreamed ointment on them. Noah offered him the last few bandaids in the shape of dinosaurs. Ronan put them on, his hands soft and careful.

"Yeah, I had them too after my dad… y'know." He said sheepishly. He scratched the back of his neck, he'd let go of Adam's hands. He was still looking down at them, at how ridiculous they looked, covered in colorful, oddly shaped bandaids. He understood what they were trying to do. A truth for a truth. Adam had showed them his weakest side, and to compensate, they told him about their weakest moments.

Gansey offered him another bottle of water, Ronan's entire room was filled with them since Sunday. He took it, fumbled with the cap and when he managed to open it, the cap fell off and tumbled on the floor. He watched it roll under the bed. Adam held his breath. He didn't know for what. He felt like he ought to be waiting for something. But when nothing came, he exhaled and drank.

The bottle disappeared from his hands at some point. At some point he ended up lying down, with the sheets pulled over his shoulders. He closed his eyes and fell asleep not long after.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! Sorry for the long wait, hopefully this chapter will be interesting. Thank you so much for leaving a review! They really motivate me, and like they actually do make my day.  
>  I know this is a pretty heavy story, and one of the reasons why I love to hear some feedback is because (without getting too personal) this story isn't just something that came up to me in the blink of an eye. Or just a story for ANGST. It's a lot more personal than that. It's my way of processing stuff that's happened to me, stuff that I've seen and how I and others handle it.   
> Perhaps a fun fact is that I study psychology, so I've learned (still am tbh. You never stop learning really) about emotional trauma and how different types of people deal with it in different ways. I wouldn't call myself an expert, I'm far from being one.   
> In this chapter, It's mentioned that Ronan and Gansey use the internet as a source to help them figure stuff out. The internet is great (most of the times) but do keep in mind that if stuff like this ever happens in real life, you should find help from a medical expert. They know what to do. Don't be like Adam in this chapter and try to keep it all hidden. It's unhealthy.   
> Like I've said, this is a topic that hits very close to home. Ofc I don't want to worry the few people who're actually reading this, I'm fine. I just... really needed to write a story like this to put a few things behind me? I know this is both too personal and too vague at the same time. But that's all.   
> Hopefully you guys will stick with me until the end? Thanks for reading!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I both hate and love this chapter. I don't like my writing style in it, but don't really know how to change it. On the other hand, I thought this was a nice quiet moment. It's a short chapter as well, I'm trying to figure out how I went to built up and stuff.... I should have planned this better. sorry   
> Finals are starting in less then a week, and I'm kind of living in denial.

Adam has always had mixed feelings about his apartment above St. Agnes. What he liked about it was that it was his. It wasn't much, but everything inside of it had been paid by his own money. It was one step further away from the trailer park. It was peace and quiet when coming home, knowing that every time he unlocked his door, no one would be waiting inside. Gansey had once asked him if he never got lonely. Adam said he enjoyed being alone. He enjoyed that once he got home, he could do everything at his own pace. He'd made his own schedule in his head on how he wanted to spend his evenings. Rarely something unexpected happened, Adam liked this piece of normality in his life.

Sure, his schedules could get interrupted by a guest, most of the times it had been Ronan who'd banged on his door, demanding for Adam to let him in. Blue and Gansey often visited too. Not so long ago, Blue had dropped by to hand him some leftover pie from Persephone. They'd fought. Adam wasn't so sure if she still wanted to be here after that.

Adam hated that the apartment was so small though. He hated that even it was small, he could barely fill up the space. He had less than the bare minimum of furniture. He hated that the shower was never warm enough. He hated the cracks in the mirror but he had no money to spare to buy a new one. He hated the dusty nooks in the roof he could never quite reach. Or that the roof groaned when it was too windy. He hated how hot it was in the summer and how cold it was in the winter. He hated that he couldn't buy an extra heater and instead had to go to bed wearing layers of clothing to keep himself warm. He hated the small fridge that rarely had any food in it, and if it did, it was always instant-meals, never something fresh.

Most of all, he hated it because it reminded him of how poor he was.

Now, Adam thought, while putting his duffle bag on his bed and Ronan Lynch lingering in the doorway behind him, now, Adam hated how it made him feel unsafe.

When he unlocked the backdoor of St. Agnes's church, his bike hadn't been waiting for him in the dark hallway. The steps had still groaned beneath his feet, he still had to hold his doorknob a certain way to open it. It still smelled like him.

But it also smelled of dust. He still had a mug of coffee in his sink. An empty cup of instant noodles forgotten on his kitchen counter. The only person who'd stepped foot inside his apartment this past week had been Ronan. And in his haste, he'd forgotten to close Adam's closet. He'd left the bathroom slightly ajar, instead of closing it like Adam always did. The small potted planted Blue had given him as a housewarming gift had brown leaves, the flowers had begun to whiter.

Adam inhaled deeply. He kept staring around the room, feeling so small and uncertain. It felt like the first time he stepped inside this place all over again. He remembered listening to an old woman's voice, assuring him that if he'd ever have trouble with paying the rent, she could probably arrange something for him. They could work around it, his pride had been stung, but he'd also felt slightly relieved. He kept doing the math in his head. How could he possibly take care of himself while both paying for school and a roof over his head?

Adam still tried to make himself believe he somehow magically managed to succeed in taking care of himself. The empty fridge and the last two remaining instant noodles begged to differ.

Just like that first day, Adam did the math. He'd missed an entire week of work. Which luxuries would he have to drop to get by this month?

The first thing that would come to mind was gas. But now that he had no bike, that became a much more difficult choice. He thought of walking, and wondered if he'd just wake up an hour earlier, he could perhaps do it by foot. But then how would he get to work on time?

"Stop that." Ronan said.

"I'm not doing anything." Adam replied, he turned around to face him. Ronan scowled at him. He finally stepped inside the small apartment, he closed the door behind him.

"I can see you're thinking."

"Yes well, I need to think to speak. You should try it." Adam turned his attention back to his duffle bag, he started to unpack and put everything back in its rightful place.

Ronan said nothing, he just watched him. Adam kept his back turned to him. He heard Ronan sigh, then the sound of footsteps going away.

Adam's head snapped up when he realized Ronan had headed into Adam's cramped open kitchen. "Lynch don't-" his voice faltered. Ronan had already opened his fridge. For a moment, he was quiet. He just stared into the empty fridge. Adam hadn't even put the plug in, finding it not worth it. Ronan closed the door and started opening cupboards.

Adam rushed towards him, he stood between him and the last remaining cupboard. Not that there was much to hide, it was empty. Adam only used one cupboard for food that didn't need to be put in the fridge and one for his plates, mugs and glasses.

"Don't go through other people's stuff like that, it's rude!" Adam said.

Ronan blinked at him with big eyes. Adam then noted how close they were. How Ronan had straightened his back the instant Adam got too close so that he wouldn't be looming over him.

He felt a shiver run down his spine and instantly recognized the feeling as uneasiness. His stubbornness kept him in place, but in his head alarm bells were starting to go off. Even though the rational part of him knew, this was just Ronan. He trusted Ronan. Ronan was his friend.

For a split second, Ronan's gaze fell on Adam's mouth. It was over in the blink of an eye, perhaps a week ago, he wouldn't have read into it. He probably wouldn't even have paid attention to it. Now it was all he could focus on. His shoulders tensed without his consent,

Ronan took two steps back.

"Guess we should go grocery shopping then," he said and knocked two times on the kitchen counter.

"It's Sunday."

"There's a supermarket just outside of Henrietta that's open on Sundays."

Adam distantly remembered driving past the 'welcome to Henrietta' sign one week ago. He shook his head and avoided looking at Ronan. "Maybe tomorrow." He said. Numbers already forming inside his head. Probably not tomorrow, or the day after. He had bills to pay, he had to start looking for a new bike which would already take a huge bite out of his budget. Not to mention he needed to pay Gansey back for that doctor's visit and-

"You need to eat Parrish, this is hardly enough food for one day." Ronan said, he nodded towards the cupboard that was empty safe for the noodles.

"It's fine, there's a supermarket at a walking distance, I'll stop there tomorrow." He then thought of the supermarket nearby his trailer park. How it'd been slightly cheaper than the one nearby. He didn't want to visit that one, afraid that he might bump into someone he knew. His biggest fear was of course, seeing his parents there.

Now, he worried about bumping into Abligony students. Since this supermarket was a lot closer to their school. Adam hated that he was scared of red pick-up trucks and now he had to add white Mitsubishis to that list. They made his skin crawl and heartbeat fasten. He feared what might happen once he saw one nearby the place he'd so naively called his own.

Ronan sighed, "Fine, how about Nino's?"

This time he shook his head for a different reason. Ronan understood, "Gansey is visiting Blue, she isn't work today." There's a hidden message in his words. Adam narrowed his eyes unsure on how to interpret it.

When he didn't respond, Ronan threw up both hands in defeat. "Fine, but I'm leaving. I'm starving."

"Then go, I'm not holding you back." Adam replied, he crossed his arms. He still stood defensively in front of his cupboard. Ronan looked like he wanted to say something, he looked ready to start a fight. Instead he glared at Adam for second, then shook his head and headed out. He slammed the door shut behind his back, Adam shut his eyes tightly, he ignored the headache and headed back to his bed and duffle bag. He could catch up on some reading.

The roof above him groaned.

He was awfully aware of how empty his apartment really was.

He cast a quick look over his shoulder at his door, bit his lip and tried to ignore the cold feeling of dread crawling up his spine. Cabeswater whispered something in his left ear. He instinctively flinched away.

A woman appeared on his bed, her eyes wild and haunted. She was soaked to the bone, leafs slowly wrapped themselves around her arm. Around her throat, her eyes widened in fear.

Adam turned around and quickly ran after Ronan. He left his door open, he almost tripped over his own feet. When he was outside he was panting, Ronan had just started the engine of his car. He immediately noticed Adam standing on the sidewalk and turned it off again.

Ronan got out in an instant, "What happened?" he asked. He eyed Adam warily, his brow furrowed in concern.

"How about…" Adam said in between breaths, he cast a nervous look over his shoulders. There was no one there, "How about… we just order something?" he offered weakly.

"Nino's doesn't deliver." Ronan said, he looked over Adam's shoulder as well. When he too couldn't find anything, he frowned at Adam.

Adam shrugged, "There are other places,"

"None of them deliver to a church, Parrish."

Adam shut his eyes, he pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. He sighed, Ronan stared at him in silence. "Fine, let's just… let me just…" he pointed at the building behind him. Ronan raised both eyebrows. "Get my wallet."

Ronan shrugged, "I can pay for it."

"Let's not do this." Adam said, voice tired.

Ronan scowled. When Adam hesitated to go back inside, he ushered him to go on. Adam rolled his eyes at him but turned around, when he heard Ronan following him, he sighed softly in relief.

Ronan didn't say anything when Adam quickly counted his money. Nor did he comment on how flat Adam's wallet was compared to his. He simply waited, and when Adam was done, they both walked outside. Adam struggled with the lock on his door for a moment. Then when all was good, they both headed back downstairs towards Ronan's car.

Inside, Ronan didn't play his loud techno music, nor did he drive above the speed limit. He only had one hand on the wheel, the other hand was hovering around his face, he chewed on the leather bands around his wrist while keeping his gaze focused on the road ahead.

"There's a menu card in there somewhere," Ronan nodded towards his dashboard.

Adam opened the glove compartment, even though he already knew what he was going to order. Margarita was the cheapest option on the menu, it was what he always chose. The small space was filled with useless crap, Adam recognized most of it as dream objects. He rummaged through them, then stopped when he saw a familiar pair of white glasses.

Ronan stopped the car, they'd arrived.

"Well?" Ronan asked, he turned in his seat to see what was taking so long. When he gaze fell on the pair of glasses he breathed in loudly through his nose. "Oh."

Adam shook his head, he pushed them aside and grabbed the menu. "I don't even know why I'm looking at this, I'm still gonna chose the same thing as always." He muttered.

Ronan said nothing, instead he leaned over the console and reached for the pair of glasses. Adam watched him get out of the car and angrily throw them away in a trashcan. Adam quickly unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car as well.

"You don't want to eat here, right?" Ronan asked him once they reached the counter. One of Blue's colleagues told them to wait, "I'll be right with you." she said while walking past them.

Adam cast a quick look around the place, it wasn't very crowded today. Their usual booth in the back was already occupied by a family of four. He recognized a few people, some of them were students of Abligony but none of them shared a class with Adam. Still, he shook his head.

Ronan nodded.

When the young girl reappeared, she took their orders and told them to wait twenty minutes. They took a seat at the counter, Ronan ordered a soda that he gave up on halfway through and pushed towards Adam. Adam finished it while watching Ronan drumming his fingers against the laminated wood, a nervous habit that was more distracting then chewing on his wristbands.

After five minutes, Adam placed his hand on top of Ronan's to stop him. He gave him one warning look, then pulled his hand back. Ronan smirked at him, he used both hands to play a tune.

"Stop that."

"You're not even listening, I'm playing a fucking masterpiece."

"It's probably that stupid song. You're not creative, stop it."

Ronan didn't.

Adam shoved him hard enough so that he lost his balance and almost toppled of the chair, were it not for his quick reflexes. When he sat up straight again, he had a dangerous gleam in his eyes. Adam quickly readjusted himself and placed both hands on top of the counter. So that when Ronan tried to push him off, he barely budged. Ronan cursed and pushed even harder. Hard enough for Adam to feel his hands slowly slipping off the counter, he put his entire weight in pushing back.

When the girl returned with their pizzas and cans of sodas, she eyed them with a funny look. It was enough distraction for Adam, Ronan gave him one last shove and he toppled off the chair. For a moment, all Adam could do was stare, surprised. Then Ronan laughed, and the girl behind the counter had to force herself not laugh as well.

Adam thought about glaring at Ronan, then simply rolled his eyes and laughed as well. Ronan offered him a hand, which he gladly took. His hip felt sore from where it'd hit the ground. It was a dull ache compared to how he felt at the beginning of this week.

Ronan let go of his hand as soon as Adam stood back on his two feet, he paid for their food, told the girl to keep the chance and walked out. The girl stared at Adam in bewilderment, he stared at the crumpled $50, frowned and went after Ronan.

"I can pay for my own food." He said once he caught up with Ronan, they'd already reached the BMW.

"I know. But it was easier for me to pay then wait for her to recount all of your nickels."

Adam felt his face flush.

Ronan stared at him, he then shrugged, "You can pay me back if you want to." He said and got in the car. Adam followed, Ronan waited until he put on his seatbelt before handing him the two pizza boxes and cans of soda. Then he drove out of the parking lot as if the devil was on their heels. Adam cursed under his breath while Ronan laughed loudly.

 

* * *

 

"So, you're going back to school?" Ronan asked, mouth still full of pizza. Adam had no dinner table, he only had small desk and one chair to accompany it. He could have cleared the desk and turn it around so that one of them could sit on the bed.

Ronan hadn't even batted an eye, he sat down on the ground and started to unpack. Adam had followed.

Adam nodded, he frowned at Ronan's lack of table manners but said nothing. As long as he didn't see pieces of food fly, he'd tolerate it.

"Work?"

"Boyd's at four, factory at ten." He said and looked up, challenging Ronan to stop him. Surprisingly, Ronan didn't. He returned Adam's cold stare with one of his own. Then shrugged and took another huge bite of his pizza. He made a disgusted face and grumbled something about mushrooms, which he began picking off his pizza on putting on Adam's box.

"How old are you again?" Adam sighed.

"Shut-up, it's your fault I forgot to ask to ask not to put them on my pizza."

"And how would that be my fault?"

Ronan stared at him, he narrowed his eyes. When he couldn't come up with a clever response, he simply shrugged. "Gansey or I could pick you up tomorrow." He said. Adam had wondered how long it'd take for one of them to offer him a ride. He'd actually expected Gansey to offer it, but then after a quick replay of the past week where he'd lived at Monmouth, he wasn't as surprised anymore to hear Ronan offer it to him.

"Until you get a new bike, that is." Ronan added before Adam could protest.

His shoulders slumped, he stared at his half-eaten pizza. He'd put his fridge back on so that he could put the leftovers in there once he was finished. He still felt hungry but if he'd stop now, he'd have enough food for tomorrow.

"Until I get a new bike." Adam agreed.

He ate the mushrooms Ronan had picked of his pizza.

Ronan watched him close his pizza box and put it away. He ate the rest of his pizza and left two slices over. Which he subtly offered to Adam.

"I'm not taking it back, it's just two slices." He said.

Adam rolled his eyes at him but still ate the last pieces. He felt a bit fuller after that. He cleaned up the mess. They drank their sodas together, Ronan talked about everything that came to mind. Until Adam moved to his desk to finish studying and homework.

Ronan grabbed his iPod and put on his headphones, he sat down on Adam's bed and said nothing the entire time Adam did schoolwork.

 

* * *

 

Later that night, when neither of them could fall asleep, Adam muttered a soft thank you.

When Ronan demanded "For what?" he'd simply shrugged.

"For everything." He guessed. The entire week, he'd gone to bed on a full stomach. He always had clean clothes, he'd never slept so much in his life, when he had a nightmare, Ronan had always been there within in arm's reach. He, Gansey and Noah had refused to let Adam distance himself from them. They'd made sure they could help wherever they could. It was different then when he'd still lived with his parents.

"Kind of fucked up what I had to go through to get a week off." He whispered.

Ronan was silent for a moment, then slowly sat up. Even in the dark, Adam knew he was giving him one of those strange looks. As if Adam was a mystery that he couldn't solve.  _I am unknowable_ , he thought. He hated how vulnerable he'd felt this past week as well, he'd opened up to his friends in ways he'd never would have done under different circumstances.

To Ronan the most. Because he'd been there during Adam's worst nightmares. He'd listened to Adam's stories in the middle of the night when neither of them could sleep.

"I have two cups of instant noodles in my cupboards." He admitted softly. "I ran out of money before my next paycheck."

Again, Ronan said nothing.

"So… yeah, thanks for not letting me starve."

"Sometimes you really scare me, y'know that, Parrish." Ronan finally said.

Adam huffed, "My life goal has finally been fulfilled, scaring Ronan Lynch."

Ronan laughed softly, "Don't tell the maggot, though. I'll never hear the end of it."

Adam sighed, he reached towards the dark shape that was Ronan and gently tapped his shoulder twice. He'd had a sudden urge to check if he was still real and not an image of Cabeswater. Ronan was warm, as soon as he saw Adam reach to him, he'd tensed up. Adam let his hand drop back on his bed, "I don't think Blue wants to talk to me really." He said softly.

Ronan made a noise that sounded very close to being irritated. Which Adam thought of as odd. He knew Ronan liked Blue, the two of them, even though their bickering, could get along very well. Adam had once even heard Gansey compare their relationships to siblings. Adam had agreed that they did have a lot in common. Perhaps Ronan just didn't like talking about relationships in general? Adam hadn't dated much, if you could call it even dating. He'd also never had someone to talk to when it came to relationship advice. Going to Ronan to talk about his… whatever it was, he had with Blue, probably wasn't a good idea either. Then a thought occurred to him, before he could fully stop himself, he'd already blurted out the next question, "Are you jealous?"

Nothing.

Then, "Don't be an asshole, Parrish."

"I didn't mean… fuck, I…"

"Y'know, for someone who doesn't want to talk about it, you mention my feelings for you quite often." Ronan snapped back.

"Maybe I'm hoping I'd piss you off enough so that you stop crushing on me." Adam bit back. He realized, as soon as he said that, he might have crossed a line.

Ronan's reaction told him the same thing he hissed a string of colorful curses at Adam and lay down again on the floor. When Adam looked at him over the edge of his mattress, Ronan had turned his back to him and curled up under his blanket. Adam sighed, turned around as well and shut his eyes.

He didn't like sleeping with his back to the door, but it was better than staring at Ronan, he thought bitterly. He buried himself under his own blanket and curled up until he was as small as possible. A thing he'd used to do when he was a younger. His dad had often reminded him that he took up too much space. If he could just pull himself together a bit more, take up even less space, perhaps he wouldn't get as mad as often.

It didn't work.

But it still felt sort of comforting. In his mind, it made sense and calmed him down. He breathed in through his nose and exhaled out of his mouth, he started counting until he fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my first language, so I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes.


End file.
